The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    I saw your topics, of course.

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    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I saw your topics, of course.

    Post  Pat on Fri Aug 25, 2017 10:55 am

    Solar Eclipse Coming
     
    All around the globe
    people are looking for a moon
    and a mommy. They need both.
     
    One moon, many mommies.
     
    Like hens, we mothers gather chicks
    and remind them to wear magic eyes
    when they view the skies.
     
    My sister uses her mother-voice,
    It’ll be going right over you.
    There’ll be a ring of fire too.
    A neighbor, at his wife’s insistence,
    walks a ways and hands me solar glasses.
     
    Mothers.  It’s all we know.
     
    I put on a pot of stew, sort laundry,
    watch the clock. 
    Distractions.  
    I cannot shut up, If you don’t have glasses,
    dear friend, keep eyes on the ground.
    Look for crescent rolls, crescent smiles.  
     
    It must be Mothers’ Day!
     
    May the manic moms note
    the absence of birdchatter.
    May they hold their breath
    in reverence for the dark tunnel,
    then a big Hallelujah!

    at the rooster crowing.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    multi-metaphor

    Post  tsukany on Fri Aug 25, 2017 12:41 pm

    Pat

    The strongest metaphor for me is the rooster.  Can that drive the images above?

    Todd

    Dennis 2012
    Guest

    Let the sun shine in

    Post  Dennis 2012 on Fri Aug 25, 2017 8:17 pm

    Pat,  I used my welding shield and even took some pictures.  They didn't come out very good.  It's kinda like showing pictures of Uncle Harold to the neighbors and trying to tell them what a cut up he is.  I know it but the pictures don't show it. 
    Anyway,  Good poem.  I think you strayed a little by throwing the pot of soup and laundry into the mix. It seemed to take me away from the topic. The rooster was very pertinent.  I wonder if we will remember these things in 2024 when the next one comes.  Good poem.

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Take 2 : )

    Post  Pat on Sat Aug 26, 2017 8:45 am

    Solar Eclipse Comes to the Hen House
     
    The girls
    in the hen house
    cluck at chicks
    to wear magic eyes
    when in the yard
    viewing skies.
     
    My sister, fluffy and white,
    uses her mother-cluck,
    It’ll be going right over us.
    A ring of fire too.
     
    Mothers.
     
    I cluck along,
    Eyes on the ground,
    you need bright eyes
    to tell bugs from gravel.
     
    Birdchatter stops. 
    Darkness
    takes over the land.
    Chicks settle in.
     
    Light comes.
    Rooster crows.
     
    Same-o, same-o.
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    Karen

    Posts : 287
    Join date : 2014-10-25
    Age : 64
    Location : North Little Rock

    Re: I saw your topics, of course.

    Post  Karen on Sat Aug 26, 2017 9:22 am

    Hmm!  I was slow to respond and got quite a different poem.

    I like where this is going, but I want reverence and Hallelujah! back.  

    Just an little turn in the tone back to the original.

    My as-yet unwritten poem about the eclipse:  I traveled 300 miles to view totality, only to be felled to speechless wonder by glowworms.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Persona

    Post  tsukany on Sat Aug 26, 2017 10:34 am

    Pat et al.

    Pat this is MUCH tighter of a poem.  I don't know how you can revise with such flair. 

    I wonder what is consensus about the persona entering the poem?

    Todd

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Solar Eclypse.

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Aug 26, 2017 1:15 pm

    THEME?  I guess I didn't get the memo..

    Between the two versions lies that "Motherness" I so enjoyed and deletes the neighbor and other stews that distracted me.  The second version is just another good poem I wish I could have written. but I won't remember it as long as I will that warm, human feeling I got in V-1.  Magic eyes,,, neat.
    Dewell

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