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Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Sep 28, 2017 4:55 pm

Rewriting, revising...  I love this poem, all except the last line in stanza two.  Suggestions, please.  This GLANCE things happens to me especially when I'm feeling relaxed and comfortable with myself.  How about you?  Dewell


You almost touched my shoulder
I almost brushed your sleeve
I going down the stairs
you going up.

We paused at the landing,
looked fully at each other,
exchanged slight smiles,
shared an unguarded glance
of inner worlds.

How can we ever forget each other now,
we, who, for a moment, were so intimate?

   -Dewell H. Byrd

Dewell H. Byrd

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nice image

Post  tsukany on Fri Sep 29, 2017 1:30 pm


I really like the music of this poem.

I am waffling about the double "I" in stanza one.

I would think a image/metaphor/figurative language insertion in stanza two will cure it's ending.


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Post  Pat on Fri Sep 29, 2017 4:23 pm

Dewell, I can see why you like it.  
I like Todd's suggestion:  a metaphor or simile.
Another added thought might be to drop the last line of S 2.  We already know this.

I bet it was fun to write.


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Almost a dance

Post  Ben Johnson on Sat Sep 30, 2017 10:01 am

Dewell,  looks like you've done it again!  Looks good.  I, also, believe you could drop the last line that you mention in stanza two. You could fool around and work in an image of some sort which might improve it, but in my opinion, it looks good and dropping the last line doesn't change anything. Todd suggested a change in the double I.  My thought is you could say "me" for the second "I"  I love the zinger at the end. 


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Post  Heidi Dehn on Fri Oct 13, 2017 9:50 am

This is wonderful.

The last line of stanza 2, I would suggest changing "inner" to "internal". 

I like the simplicity of the poem and how there isn't an overload of overused sentiment.

I agreed about the double "I", perhaps just from the second "I."

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