The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    This was a good day.

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    Pat

    Posts : 665
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    This was a good day.

    Post  Pat on Fri Sep 29, 2017 11:20 am

    Looking for help of any sort.

    On Not Looking for Happiness
     
    I sweep a floor, wash dishes, divide hostas
    while smiling about my round world rolling,
    breezes blowing, sun shining.
     
    Paradise grows in my mind.
     
    There, I follow children like Pied Pipers
    prancing, dancing, laughing their way
    along rivers, up hills.  
     
    A fine day to let my mind play.
     
    Seasons come and go. I let them pass
    like a five-year-old, trusting they
    will come again.
     
    What saint would not approve?
     
    When I find you in pain,
    I touch an arm and gaze into eyes,
    imaging them as stars. They brighten.
     

    My happiness, almost more than I can bear.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 615
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Re-order?

    Post  tsukany on Fri Sep 29, 2017 1:44 pm

    Pat

    Seems like this poem needs an arrangement of details.  They seem be thrown at me rather than offered as a guide.

    I get stuck by "There" in stanza three.  It grammatically wants to go back to Paradise.

    When the title says you are not looking for happiness, we expect chores would lead us to the mundane.  Re-arranged, the details of the mundane reveal the divine, even paradise.

    Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 665
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Oh phooey. . . .

    Post  Pat on Fri Sep 29, 2017 4:08 pm

    That is supposed to be Here, not There.  But I do that in raw poems all the time.  
    The overall idea is that I am not looking for happiness, but I find it anyway.  Hmmmm.  I'll look at the arrangement.  Thanks.  And have a great conference.

    Ben Johnson
    Guest

    The simple things of life

    Post  Ben Johnson on Sat Sep 30, 2017 10:16 am

    Pat,  I like how you show us how everyday things can turn into pleasures when our eyes are attuned to see them.  "Like a five year-old" brings the innocence to keep in mind when dealing with kids. (we have the grands this weekend)  Our youngest is six. Sometimes it is a challenge.

    Good poem

    Dennis

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 371
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    not looking for happiness

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Sep 30, 2017 9:15 pm

    Pat, I see where you are going with this poem but I find the road a little rocky.  Maybe you have overstated the mundane, dragging it out so I forget the happiness goal.  Actually your chores done in innocence with a receptive mind may be the key.
    I'm delighted to find a "HAPPINESS" poem in the queue.  You have some very nice lines here.
    Dewell

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