The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Cleaning this poem up for reading next week.

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Cleaning this poem up for reading next week.

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Apr 27, 2012 11:46 am

    I'm reading next week. A media reception will follow. Looking for a "clean" version of this poem to include in the press release. Dewell



    AFTERMATH

    Northwest wind erases

    gull engravings,

    plover’s quick-steps

    feather southeast

    on yesterday’s beach.



    Ash and debris scatter

    over wavelets of glass.

    Dry kelp ribbons wave

    a pale green goodbye.



    Pages of a book

    flip aimlessly,

    gritty, forgotten.



    Children play behind

    carved sand dunes.



    Ocean cannons roar.



    -Dewell H. Byrd
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Well done Dewell

    Post  tsukany on Fri Apr 27, 2012 5:06 pm

    I wonder if you need a semicolon at the end line two. Is it two sentences for the first stanza?

    I am unclear about ash and debris. That seems fire related and the rest of the poem seems related to a wind-type storm.

    Congrats again. Todd

    Dennis20
    Guest

    Re: Cleaning this poem up for reading next week.

    Post  Dennis20 on Sat Apr 28, 2012 5:52 pm

     

    Dewell,  Since you are cleaning this up, I would suggest looking at "wavelets of glass" and consider some other word than glass.  I am seeing wind.  Glass makes me think smooth, soft, or serene.  I think maybe I would replace gritty with sands. It would lead into the next thought of "carved dunes"  Omit sand in that line.  Nice poem

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    reply to suggestions re; AFTERMATH

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Apr 29, 2012 3:26 pm

    I see the problem. Critiques indicate you see aftermath of a natural storm/event while I wrote it indicating aftermath af an atomic event. So, now I must decide what I want the reader to see and rework the first stanza to fit.

    You poets are good! Thanks, Dewell.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Sweet.

    Post  tsukany on Sun Apr 29, 2012 4:32 pm

    Honest feedback is invaluable. This is why I like the practice of the poet NOT telling/hinting to the "interpretation/situation" of the poem before the critique. Smile

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I like your form and topic. . . .

    Post  Pat on Mon Apr 30, 2012 6:27 am

    Dewell, I am bringing up the rear this time. So, I have an advantage: you are dealing with atomic event on a beach. Nevertheless, I wondered about volcanic. (like in Hawaii) I guess you can let the reader go wherever, but I prefer specific. Ash took me to volcanic; but it fits atomic too. I struggled with wavelets of glass: wasn't sure what that was (perhaps an arrangement of broken glass?). Clear that something happened here that left remnants of destruction. You point out the leavings in poetic ways. Nice. Still life goes on: ocean cannons roar. : ) Pat

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