Cleaning this poem up for reading next week.

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Cleaning this poem up for reading next week.

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Apr 27, 2012 11:46 am

I'm reading next week. A media reception will follow. Looking for a "clean" version of this poem to include in the press release. Dewell



AFTERMATH

Northwest wind erases

gull engravings,

plover’s quick-steps

feather southeast

on yesterday’s beach.



Ash and debris scatter

over wavelets of glass.

Dry kelp ribbons wave

a pale green goodbye.



Pages of a book

flip aimlessly,

gritty, forgotten.



Children play behind

carved sand dunes.



Ocean cannons roar.



-Dewell H. Byrd

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Well done Dewell

Post  tsukany on Fri Apr 27, 2012 5:06 pm

I wonder if you need a semicolon at the end line two. Is it two sentences for the first stanza?

I am unclear about ash and debris. That seems fire related and the rest of the poem seems related to a wind-type storm.

Congrats again. Todd
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Re: Cleaning this poem up for reading next week.

Post  Dennis20 on Sat Apr 28, 2012 5:52 pm

 

Dewell,  Since you are cleaning this up, I would suggest looking at "wavelets of glass" and consider some other word than glass.  I am seeing wind.  Glass makes me think smooth, soft, or serene.  I think maybe I would replace gritty with sands. It would lead into the next thought of "carved dunes"  Omit sand in that line.  Nice poem

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reply to suggestions re; AFTERMATH

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Apr 29, 2012 3:26 pm

I see the problem. Critiques indicate you see aftermath of a natural storm/event while I wrote it indicating aftermath af an atomic event. So, now I must decide what I want the reader to see and rework the first stanza to fit.

You poets are good! Thanks, Dewell.

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Sweet.

Post  tsukany on Sun Apr 29, 2012 4:32 pm

Honest feedback is invaluable. This is why I like the practice of the poet NOT telling/hinting to the "interpretation/situation" of the poem before the critique. Smile
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I like your form and topic. . . .

Post  Pat on Mon Apr 30, 2012 6:27 am

Dewell, I am bringing up the rear this time. So, I have an advantage: you are dealing with atomic event on a beach. Nevertheless, I wondered about volcanic. (like in Hawaii) I guess you can let the reader go wherever, but I prefer specific. Ash took me to volcanic; but it fits atomic too. I struggled with wavelets of glass: wasn't sure what that was (perhaps an arrangement of broken glass?). Clear that something happened here that left remnants of destruction. You point out the leavings in poetic ways. Nice. Still life goes on: ocean cannons roar. : ) Pat

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