Thinking about the old school yard

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Thinking about the old school yard

Post  Ben Johnson on Sat Sep 30, 2017 9:37 am

Couldn't get in under Dennis.

Is the message clear enough to see the teenagers and priorities?  


I Remember like it was Yesterday
 
P.E. first hour after lunch
touch football and the mishap
 
strung up on the wicked wire
at the top of the chain linked fence
 
a four-inch gash and two teammates
who rush me to the doctor’s office
 
Dr. Shrigley out to lunch
at Ford Hotel Coffee Shop
 
the dirty arm that dripped blood
on the coffee shop floor
 
being told to go to the hospital
and he would come after lunch
 
sixteen stitches that left scars
visible after forty-six years
 
but I don’t remember who paid
for the cokes and smokes
 
we had at the pool hall
before going back to school

Ben Johnson
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I Remember IT Like

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Sep 30, 2017 9:51 pm

love  that ending, Dennis!  So like teenagers.
And the vocabulary fits, too.  If it were today more gutter talk would be needed.
Your poem suits me to a tee and brings back some memories of capers I witnessed in high school and sandlot work-up games.  Couplets work.
Nicely done, Friend.
Dewell

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Strong images

Post  tsukany on Mon Oct 02, 2017 2:02 pm

Dennis/Ben

The number of images is out of control in this version, for me.  The introduction of the doctor seems like a shift, making the doctor the focus.

I had to read stanza two several times.  I still think that you have a misplaced modifier there.

I lobby for the Dr. to become a separate poem.

Is the indictment of the Dr. or the persona?

Not sure any of this is helpful.  Sorry

Todd
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