The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Thinking about the old school yard

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    Ben Johnson
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    Thinking about the old school yard

    Post  Ben Johnson on Sat Sep 30, 2017 9:37 am

    Couldn't get in under Dennis.

    Is the message clear enough to see the teenagers and priorities?  


    I Remember like it was Yesterday
     
    P.E. first hour after lunch
    touch football and the mishap
     
    strung up on the wicked wire
    at the top of the chain linked fence
     
    a four-inch gash and two teammates
    who rush me to the doctor’s office
     
    Dr. Shrigley out to lunch
    at Ford Hotel Coffee Shop
     
    the dirty arm that dripped blood
    on the coffee shop floor
     
    being told to go to the hospital
    and he would come after lunch
     
    sixteen stitches that left scars
    visible after forty-six years
     
    but I don’t remember who paid
    for the cokes and smokes
     
    we had at the pool hall
    before going back to school

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 348
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    I Remember IT Like

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Sep 30, 2017 9:51 pm

    love  that ending, Dennis!  So like teenagers.
    And the vocabulary fits, too.  If it were today more gutter talk would be needed.
    Your poem suits me to a tee and brings back some memories of capers I witnessed in high school and sandlot work-up games.  Couplets work.
    Nicely done, Friend.
    Dewell
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    tsukany

    Posts : 578
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Strong images

    Post  tsukany on Mon Oct 02, 2017 2:02 pm

    Dennis/Ben

    The number of images is out of control in this version, for me.  The introduction of the doctor seems like a shift, making the doctor the focus.

    I had to read stanza two several times.  I still think that you have a misplaced modifier there.

    I lobby for the Dr. to become a separate poem.

    Is the indictment of the Dr. or the persona?

    Not sure any of this is helpful.  Sorry

    Todd

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