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SEVEN OAKS COMPANION

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Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 363
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

SEVEN OAKS COMPANION

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Tue Dec 26, 2017 5:12 pm

Seven Oaks is a well-known truck farm in our valley.  I'm writing this poem for the local people and publication in the MEDFORD TRIBUNE.  Please help me tighten it up.  Dewell

SEVEN OAKS COMPANION

Seven Oakes redoubt cradles
a castle of sticks and twigs
waiting to be refurbished
before spring clutch.

Red tail hawk awaits his
mate's return from the shadow
of snowbound Mt. Pitt.
Winter's armament prevails.

Days lengthen, winds warm,
Pitt undresses into streamlets
feeding the river Rogue.
She does not return.

He rearranges the nest
of twigs and twine for her
as he has done for seven summers
of eggs, hatchlings, flight.

Each sunrise he swoops, sweeps,
gleans the meadow for family
fare... no mouths wide to feed,
no screams from circling young.

A summer squall bids him fly,
stitch the sky, disappear behind
a fading rainbow.

Dewell H. Byrd
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Karen

Posts : 299
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 64
Location : North Little Rock

Re: SEVEN OAKS COMPANION

Post  Karen on Thu Dec 28, 2017 8:37 pm

The poem seems very close to the mark to me.
 
I was briefly thrown by the “she” in stanza 3 – after Pitt undressing, I thought for a moment “she” was Pitt.  Perhaps substitute “his mate” or something that makes the reference clearer?
 
I want to replace the ellipsis in stanza 5 with a simple declaration of the action.  I am admittedly ellipsis-phobic.
 
Would you perhaps consider a slight rearrangement of the last stanza?
 
A summer squall bids him fly.
He stitches the sky, disappears behind
a fading rainbow.
 

This is a good’un, Dewell.
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tsukany

Posts : 605
Join date : 2011-05-21

Stanza arrangement

Post  tsukany on Sat Dec 30, 2017 2:14 pm

Dewell

Seems like the poem started to be about the company and shifted to the birds.  Perhaps two poems?

I vote for an arrangement of stanzas more like:

SEVEN OAKS COMPANION

Red tail hawk awaits his
mate's return from the shadow
of snowbound Mt. Pitt.
Winter's armament prevails.

He rearranges the nest
of twigs and twine for her
as he has done for seven summers
of eggs, hatchlings, flight.

Each sunrise he swoops, sweeps,
gleans the meadow for family
fare... no mouths wide to feed,
no screams from circling young.

Days lengthen, winds warm,
Mt. Pitt undresses into streamlets
feeding the river Rogue.
She does not return.

****
[Not sure about these two stanzas]
A summer squall bids him fly,
stitch the sky, disappear behind
a fading rainbow.

Seven Oakes (spelling?) redoubt (not sure about this word) cradles
a castle of sticks and twigs
waiting to be refurbished
before spring clutch.

Dewell H. Byrd

Pat

Posts : 648
Join date : 2011-09-12

Seven Oaks Companions

Post  Pat on Mon Jan 01, 2018 1:17 pm

Dewell, I like all the details.  


I know you are setting up the poem with Stanza 1, but if you eliminated it, it still works.  
Confusing and I don't understand:  Check sp of Oaks:  


Seven Oakes redoubt cradles




Maybe drop his on this line:  Red tail hawk awaits his;   Not needed and it hangs out at the end of a line.  None of the other lines do this.




Love this line of nouns:  of eggs, hatchlings, flight.




fare... no mouths wide to feed,  On this line:  it could read "no open mouths to feed,"





I don't need the last stanza.  I'd focus on the hawk and its routine. I don't need a beginning and happy ending.  Okay with just dropping into the midst of it.  : )   




Nice poem, Dewell.  Tighter this way.  


Last edited by Pat on Mon Jan 01, 2018 1:20 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : too dark, can't read it.)

Pat

Posts : 648
Join date : 2011-09-12

Hawks

Post  Pat on Mon Jan 01, 2018 1:23 pm

Dewell, I'll flag this for Todd.  I cannot figure out how to make it readable, but he is high tech.  I am almost impaired with a computer!   Esp with copy/ paste which is what I did on your poem.  Maybe he can fix it.  

Sorry.
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tsukany

Posts : 605
Join date : 2011-05-21

From PAT

Post  tsukany on Mon Jan 01, 2018 1:36 pm

Dewell, I like all the details. 


I know you are setting up the poem with Stanza 1, but if you eliminated it, it still works. 
Confusing and I don't understand:  Check sp of Oaks: 

Seven Oakes redoubt cradles

Maybe drop "his" on this line:  Red tail hawk awaits his;   Not needed and it hangs out at the end of a line.  None of the other lines do this.

Love this line of nouns:  of eggs, hatchlings, flight.

fare... no mouths wide to feed,  On this line:  it could read "no open mouths to feed,"

I don't need the last stanza.  I'd focus on the hawk and its routine. I don't need a beginning and happy ending.  Okay with just dropping into the midst of it.  : )  


Nice poem, Dewell.  Tighter this way.

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