The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


  • Post new topic
  • Reply to topic

Incomprehensible? (challenged by the title)

Share
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 619
Join date : 2011-05-21

Incomprehensible? (challenged by the title)

Post  tsukany on Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:06 am

Inaudible

Along the chain-link fence
a long divot parts new grass. 

Where she’s been before,
pebbles are polished. 

Toward the corner of the lot,
a stone has twinned a sister. 

Thunderclaps and lightning
absorb their journey.

--T.A. Sukany 27 Dec 2017
avatar
Karen

Posts : 310
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 65
Location : North Little Rock

Re: Incomprehensible? (challenged by the title)

Post  Karen on Sat Dec 30, 2017 12:08 pm

Could the title be Inaudible + a noun?  I think that would clarify the subject, and better prepare the reader for the images.

I am in favor of printing this poem out and cutting it into couplets.  Play Fruit Basket Turnover with the pieces.  I did this mentally, and I liked a lot of the results.  It would work a number of ways with very little spackling.

... a stone has twinned a sister ... is the Phrase That Pays in my book.  Oh lordy, yes.  It needs to be showcased.  Maybe moved to the end?

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 374
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

Incomprehensible?

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Dec 31, 2017 6:36 pm

Try Inaudible Rendezvous for a title...
Inaudible alone is not helpful to this reader.

Yes, the stone twinning is a great line.

I like the polished gravel along the fence image.  It reminds me of our "DUCHESS"
doing fence patrol each morning regardless of weather... and her footsteps were
indeed inaudible and she always did a rendezvous with a lookout spot (twinning stone).

Dewell

Pat

Posts : 671
Join date : 2011-09-12

Inaudible

Post  Pat on Mon Jan 01, 2018 2:29 pm

I prefer noun titles, but I understand Inaudible, meaning Without Sound.  I assume that whatever the poem holds, there is no sound. Must be important to be the title (that it has no sound.)

I paused at divot and looked it up, wanting to make sure if it was turf or clod or what? Could you find a more luminous particular word for this?  Seems general to me and it's at the beginning.

I too like the twinning line.

I also like the last couplet.  Giving up the journey to the thunder and lightning.

Line 3, she refers back to divot?  

I did not get it on first reading.  It took 4 readings for me.  Tells you something about me, I think.  I so need a do-nothing day.  : )  

Nature poem.  : )  I like it.  . . . .and what is happening in the yard.  Small things.  : )   But they feed the thunder and lightning!  So it's a big thing.

Sponsored content

Re: Incomprehensible? (challenged by the title)

Post  Sponsored content

  • Post new topic
  • Reply to topic

Current date/time is Thu Dec 13, 2018 12:55 am