The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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poem from my college days

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Pat

Posts : 630
Join date : 2011-09-12

poem from my college days

Post  Pat on Sun Dec 31, 2017 11:07 pm

Late here because I totally forgot!  Will look at your poems tomorrow!  

First Week as a Freshman in College
 
They drive away,
leaving me
and my belongings in a dorm.
 
This is college.
I do not know anyone.
I feel four and lost in a huge store.
 
Something familiar though—
maybe high school beating in hearts.
Two girls sound eager
 
to stand in line, ready to climb
rungs on a ladder.
Someone in a beanie gabs on
 
about the  fullness of things.
I only want to survive
and not fall in a hole.
 
The road ahead looks dark.  
Tests, stress, fashion, grades,
wishing for a boyfriend.


Little gratitude 
for the friendly girls next door 
or my lenient roommate.
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tsukany

Posts : 592
Join date : 2011-05-21

redundancies?

Post  tsukany on Mon Jan 01, 2018 1:48 pm

Pat

The title is broader than the poem:  perhaps "first impressions of college"?

"in a dorm" is included in the title as is "This is college."

I like the idea of introducing "the store" S2 but it feels like it should be a simile.  I then would return to that figure in the line "fall in a hole."  I lobby that stanza becomes the end of the poem too..  (cut the last two stanzas).

Nice poem.

Todd

Pat

Posts : 630
Join date : 2011-09-12

Now it looks like this:

Post  Pat on Mon Jan 01, 2018 2:46 pm

I like it better.  Thank you, Todd.

Any other comments?  

First Impressions of College
 
They drive away,
leaving me
and my belongings.
 
This is college.
I do not know anyone.
I feel like a four year old,
lost in a huge store.
 
Something familiar though—
maybe high school beating in hearts.
 
Two girls sound eager
 to stand in line, ready to climb
rungs on ladders.
Someone in a beanie gabs
 
about the  fullness of things.
I only want to survive
and not fall in the hole

beside the door of the store.

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 356
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

First Week In College...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Jan 01, 2018 5:29 pm

I only want to survive could make a fine ending for this poem.
Looks like the poem has been rearranged very well by others
except maybe Todd's early cut is too soon.

I get the feeling you are expressing and I personally
identify with it... My first college impression was "Let's
cut the fuss and feathers and get down to business." 
(Cocktail hour was hell for me.)

I would love to see your rewrite of this poem.
Dewell

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