The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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On Building a Poem

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Pat

Posts : 655
Join date : 2011-09-12

On Building a Poem

Post  Pat on Thu Jan 25, 2018 9:57 am

I've worked and weeded this poem.  I think it is ready for another farmer to plow it.
Thanks, guys, for all you do in critiquing my poems.  I am grateful.

(Hoping this appears as 3-line stanzas.)


On Building a Poem
 
Hair and tissue
lay between similes
like cement joins bricks.
 
Bones make stanzas.
Look closely.
See the ears, fingers, toes.
 
Each line flexes muscle
and carries a message.
Soul beats in the heart.
 
Like a rock, throw safety
in the river. Open a vein,
draw blood, build a poem.

Ben Johnson
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sticks and stones

Post  Ben Johnson on Sat Jan 27, 2018 3:48 pm

Pat,  Great poem.  I like the images you have used.  
I usually don't like the repeat of a word but I think "between" would better serve here if you repeat it before the word join instead of cement.  It just seems to flow easier for me.
I would also (this is where I don't like the repeat)  like to change the last phrase to something else or change the title.  You have told me you are building a poem.  But, I like the title.  Good poem.

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 367
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

ON BUILDING A POEM

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Jan 27, 2018 5:13 pm

Title is fine with me.  Sets me up for the opening stanza.  I like how the poem jumps into action... no extra staging.  And the ending leaves the thought open... especial the blood flowing and the river.
Good poem, Good job.  Dewell
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tsukany

Posts : 609
Join date : 2011-05-21

Looking for a surprise

Post  tsukany on Sun Jan 28, 2018 6:01 am

Pat,

I like the poem.  Seems like one that would be read in a collection of poems.  If it is to stand on its own, I was waiting for a surprise.  The ending reminds me of a line.  Hemingway? 

Well done.

Todd

Pat

Posts : 655
Join date : 2011-09-12

Rewrite.

Post  Pat on Mon Jan 29, 2018 9:49 am

Did I help it or hurt it?
Hemingway?  I have no idea.  However, I like the category.  : )
I read every poem and every book Jane Kenyon put out.  I think in her prose she referred to herself as opening a vein when she sat down to write.  : )  That stuck with me, I'm sure.  

On Building a Poem
 
Hair and tissue
lay between similes
like cement holding bricks.
 
Bones make stanzas.
Look closely.
See the ears, fingers, toes.
 
Each line flexes muscle
and carries a message.
Soul beats in the heart.
 
Like a rock, throw safety
in the river. Open a vein,
draw blood, write it.
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tsukany

Posts : 609
Join date : 2011-05-21

Citation

Post  tsukany on Mon Jan 29, 2018 10:02 am

https://quoteinvestigator.com/tag/red-smith/

Not sure of all the history

Todd
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tsukany

Posts : 609
Join date : 2011-05-21

One last item

Post  tsukany on Mon Jan 29, 2018 10:05 am

I wonder if you can use a metaphor in stanza two.  Images are bones . . .

You used a simile in stanza one.  Fun to talk about an element and then use it in the same stanza as part of the explanation.

Todd

Pat

Posts : 655
Join date : 2011-09-12

Yes! Thank you!

Post  Pat on Mon Jan 29, 2018 10:34 am

Good, good idea!

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