The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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YESTERYEAR...

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Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 348
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

YESTERYEAR...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Jan 26, 2018 8:39 pm

Does this poem need connective tissue to help it flow?  Also, I'm trying to put more "music" in the early stanzas. Suggestions?
D.P. & P.D. have both seen first drafts of this poem and their input was helpful as usual.
This forum encourages me to keep writing even though I slow down as the years accumulate.  87 now.  Dewell  


  YESTERYEAR

Popcorn on a Sunday afternoon
Lemonade cool and tangy
Porch swing creaking
Honeybees singing

Sunday newspaper scattered
Robins run, stop, run, stop
Swallows swooping
Calico purring

Hymns playing on the radio
Oatmeal cookies cooling
Church bells tolling
Neighbors strolling

Maybe the kids will stop by
this being such a pretty day
and all.

   -Dewell H. Byrd

Ben Johnson
Guest

Never at a loss for words

Post  Ben Johnson on Sat Jan 27, 2018 3:57 pm

Dewell,  Here was my suggestions and comments from when you sent it to me via email.  You have pared it down to make a very nice 
front porch Sunday fit for a family visit.  
Well done.  
Nice piece.  I suggest two things.  
Both relate to introducing 
the second person.  I would say, 
" Sunday newspaper scattered
here on the porch."       ( or something to that effect)    
That would  make it 
 first person.

The second omission:
Omit "Mama"    

That would keep it first person
and better align that sentence

A pretty picture for our bleary,
weary days of winter here in AR.
First seven days Brr, cold.
From 10 to 30 degrees
Been rainy and dreary since
with temps in the 40's
We need the rain,
just not the dreary.


Dennis 
     
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tsukany

Posts : 578
Join date : 2011-05-21

couple tiny things

Post  tsukany on Sun Jan 28, 2018 6:09 am

Dewell

Nice painting . . . again!

I am not sure you need two Sundays.  I would start the poem with line two, it is the more sensual.  Then I might examine its effect and draw nearer to the sensual images rather than visual.

I might suggest cutting the last two lines and end with "Maybe the kids will stop by."

Well done

Todd


Last edited by tsukany on Mon Jan 29, 2018 10:06 am; edited 1 time in total

Pat

Posts : 610
Join date : 2011-09-12

Nice poem.

Post  Pat on Mon Jan 29, 2018 9:31 am

So much to see, hear, taste, smell.  
I agree with Todd on cutting the first line and last two.  Not needed.
Images are nice.
I don't think I have much to add.  
Pat

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