The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


  • Post new topic
  • Reply to topic

From Dennis/Ben

Share

Admin
Admin

Posts : 23
Join date : 2011-05-21

From Dennis/Ben

Post  Admin on Sat Jan 27, 2018 1:24 pm

Gang,  Have missed you, but hopefully I'm back.  Couldn't get in under Dennis
Will the title carry the picture?

Me and the Kids

Two red foxes crossed the yard
from where they are housed under lumber
pile covered with two sheets of tin.
Both, a drab red, and one, the larger
sports a white-tipped tail.
The smaller, probably younger leaped
on the trailer stationed along the path
to the woods.  Then off again, then
on again, running the sixteen feet length
to the front and back again before leaping
off to join the one with the white-tipped tail.
That one, the larger one, waited patiently
for the drama to end. 
Seemed strangely familiar.

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 348
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

Me And The Kids

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Jan 27, 2018 5:00 pm

Love this piece, Dennis... and the way KIDS in the title turned out to be KITS... charming.
The identity of the foxes is confusing to me.  Can you identify them like Tippy & the other giving name by character?  I had to work hard to know who...  lots of detail and environment stuff made it seem very real.  Good job.  Dewell
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 578
Join date : 2011-05-21

number of players

Post  tsukany on Sun Jan 28, 2018 6:05 am

Hey Ben

I read only two players.  Maybe that can be clearer.  The title led me to an observation but it shifted after that.

I would check punctuation.  A couple missing commas might help bring clarity too.

For me, lines two and three need "a poetic squeezing" out of prose description/background.

Todd

Pat

Posts : 610
Join date : 2011-09-12

I messed with it big-time.

Post  Pat on Mon Jan 29, 2018 9:17 am

I like the subject matter.  Dennis, I think it has great potential.  I think you will need a way to keep the foxes identified.  What I wrote may not be accurate, but you can fix that.   

I would leave out probably and patiently.  

Me and the Kids

Two foxes crossed the yard
from where they (huddle or live?) under (boards?)

covered with tin.
Both, drab red, one
sporting a white-tippy tail.
Tippy leaped on the trailer

stationed along the path
leading to the woods.  Off, 

then on again,
running the sixteen feet
from front to back, 

then leaping off to join Red.  (Red or Tippy?  not sure which)
The larger one  (Red?) waited
for the drama to end.  
Seemed strangely familiar.

Ben Johnson
Guest

Foxes in a forest fire

Post  Ben Johnson on Mon Jan 29, 2018 11:41 am

Thanks gang.  I wanted it to appear as a parent and child going somewhere with the drama that usually takes place like at Walmart.  My experience was always they would run ahead, climb on the horse, and wait for me to put in a quarter.  Good if I had a quarter, not so good if I didn't have one.  They finally got to where they would remind me before we got out of the car to get the quarters out of the ash tray before we went in.  They always ran ahead to be waiting at the horse when I got there.  

I was hoping this piece would leave that picture.  I need to work on it.   Thanks for your input.
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 578
Join date : 2011-05-21

My vote is for . . .

Post  tsukany on Mon Jan 29, 2018 11:57 am

Ben/Dennis

My vote is for two poems.  Let the foxes be what they are.  However, I am interested in the Walmart poem too.

Todd

Pat

Posts : 610
Join date : 2011-09-12

I hear you.

Post  Pat on Mon Jan 29, 2018 12:17 pm

I hear you now.  I did not make the connection with this much info.  But I did know that 
the last line referred back to something.

Walmart poem could be I and this fox poem could be II.  2 parts.  

Great potential.

Sponsored content

Re: From Dennis/Ben

Post  Sponsored content

  • Post new topic
  • Reply to topic

Current date/time is Wed Apr 25, 2018 1:49 am