The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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Outside the Box

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tsukany

Posts : 619
Join date : 2011-05-21

Outside the Box

Post  tsukany on Thu Feb 22, 2018 9:14 am

This is a typical TODD poem.  Sorry in advance. 

Triangular Trade (pantoum)

Whenever I stare at the moon,
my feet hold down a Portugal-approved cooler--
chilled beverage at my right knee
and the main masts reflect off my globed goblet.

My feet hold down a Portugal-approved cooler
as dust drops from Macau to soil the Madre de Deus
and the main masts reflect off my globed goblet.
Our footprints mar the pristine surface

as dust drops from Macau to soil the Madre de Deus.
How the earth-rise wrests air from our lungs!
Our footprints mar the pristine surface
like the “time of in-betweeness.”

How the earth-rise wrests air from our lungs,
chilled beverage at my right knee--
like a time of in-betweeness--
whenever I stare at the moon.

--T.A. Sukany 31 Jan 2018

Ben Johnson
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He rested on the seventh day...

Post  Ben Johnson on Sat Feb 24, 2018 9:50 am

Todd,  Lovely poem.  I am not quite sure about a couple of things.  "As dust drops from Macau" to soil the ship?  I see you on the sea on a ship under the moonlight, but can't picture the dust from Macau.  Also, I don't quite understand "time of in-betweeness."  What is Triangular?  I admire the form.  Good

Dennis who has to sign in as Ben
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Karen

Posts : 310
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 65
Location : North Little Rock

Re: Outside the Box

Post  Karen on Sat Feb 24, 2018 11:31 am

I am seriously crazy about pantoums.

I stumbled at globed goblet.  Sadly, I do not have a suggestion for a change.

I don't want quotation marks in "time of in-betweeness" in the third stanza.

This poem rocks like a boat asea for me.

Pat

Posts : 671
Join date : 2011-09-12

What a surprise. Interesting.

Post  Pat on Sat Feb 24, 2018 3:05 pm

pantoun.  Triangular Trade.  Maucaw,  China??? 
Interesting.  Wow!  Not your usual. 
I'm always in a time in between, so I have no problem there.  Quotes?  I'd drop those.
What caught me:  you, moon, and what?  goblet?  . 
globed goblet:  not easy to say.
I hear no tension, just where you are.  Hey, you are not where you are going to be.  In process.
Trading is giving and switching.  So I'm back to triangle.

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 374
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

Re: OUTSIDE THE BOX

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Feb 24, 2018 4:03 pm

I like to read pantoums but I've never written one.  A challenge for the future.
Dust on the deck while at sea... great image... and it often happens when wind 
blows strong from the desert (or dustbowl).  The triangular part I don't get yet but
will keep working on it.  
Thanks for the challenge.  Dewell
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tsukany

Posts : 619
Join date : 2011-05-21

Google Hints

Post  tsukany on Sun Feb 25, 2018 9:30 am

Poets

I had hoped to push the reader to google "time of in-betweenness" as that would reveal the nature of triangular.  Maybe Triangular Trade needs to be in quotes too?

Todd

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