The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Have I made the picture clear enough

    Share

    Dennis20
    Guest

    Have I made the picture clear enough

    Post  Dennis20 on Sat Apr 28, 2012 10:24 am

     

    This Poem is for You

    Trashcans stand as sentinels against curbs

    and guard driveways down empty streets

    as an occasional dog bays at night noises.

     

    Merry-go-round alone in the park

    spins in the breeze

    squeaking out for children to return

    and bring the oil of their laughter.

     

    Two stars above a crescent moon

    coax fireflies out of tall grasses

    and bushes along mown yards.

     

    Curfew stands in the shadows

    and makes sure everyone is safe,

    that EVERYONE is inside until morning.

     

    Are you still there? I am still here

    thinking words into the air, on paper,

    aimed at your heart or at least your head.

     

    Actually, I lied.  This isn’t a poem.

    It isn’t for you.  It’s for me, but

    to justify it, I said it was a poem

    and that it was for you.  Insomnia.

     
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    YES!

    Post  tsukany on Sat Apr 28, 2012 4:13 pm

    Dennis...I really like it. I have a preference for no rhetorical questions and I think your poem is stronger without it. I would also end the poem with "...head." or maybe reversing those two nouns.

    I really think this is a good image poem.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Dennis's Nightwatch type poem

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Apr 29, 2012 3:43 pm

    Dennis, I see this as a poetic poem, whatever that is, not a prose thing. Perhaps it could be tightened by deleting some of the questions... I really like the images... maybe unmowed lawns would go better with bushes... and I'd love to "smell" the night in this poem, especially the fireflies... Nice work! Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I can see it. Trash cans as sentinels, night sky, fireflies;

    Post  Pat on Mon Apr 30, 2012 6:38 am

    I can hear the dogs and squeaky merrygoround. Good job of using senses. I think tall grasses is so common I can hardly hear it: how about long grasses? That may be where Dewell paused with unmown vs mown. We readers are trying to picture it, of course. I don't think you need the last stanza at all. It's a distraction for me and changes your focus. The rest of it: good work! Pat

    Dennis20
    Guest

    Thanks to one and all

    Post  Dennis20 on Mon Apr 30, 2012 4:04 pm

    Thanks to all of you for the input. I may be getting better and I think you guys are instrumental in my growth.  I find it easier to see things amiss in works other than my own.  Your sight is important to me.  Dennis
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    So True

    Post  tsukany on Mon Apr 30, 2012 6:19 pm

    Dennis...I believe it is part of human nature to see in others what we can't see in ourselves. For me, the path to health is in letting trusted individuals "bust my chops." Smile I think you are stellar at seeing potential in our works. Thanks again.

    Sponsored content

    Re: Have I made the picture clear enough

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Sat Jul 21, 2018 2:39 am