Have I made the picture clear enough

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Have I made the picture clear enough

Post  Dennis20 on Sat Apr 28, 2012 10:24 am

 

This Poem is for You

Trashcans stand as sentinels against curbs

and guard driveways down empty streets

as an occasional dog bays at night noises.

 

Merry-go-round alone in the park

spins in the breeze

squeaking out for children to return

and bring the oil of their laughter.

 

Two stars above a crescent moon

coax fireflies out of tall grasses

and bushes along mown yards.

 

Curfew stands in the shadows

and makes sure everyone is safe,

that EVERYONE is inside until morning.

 

Are you still there? I am still here

thinking words into the air, on paper,

aimed at your heart or at least your head.

 

Actually, I lied.  This isn’t a poem.

It isn’t for you.  It’s for me, but

to justify it, I said it was a poem

and that it was for you.  Insomnia.

 

Dennis20
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YES!

Post  tsukany on Sat Apr 28, 2012 4:13 pm

Dennis...I really like it. I have a preference for no rhetorical questions and I think your poem is stronger without it. I would also end the poem with "...head." or maybe reversing those two nouns.

I really think this is a good image poem.
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Dennis's Nightwatch type poem

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Apr 29, 2012 3:43 pm

Dennis, I see this as a poetic poem, whatever that is, not a prose thing. Perhaps it could be tightened by deleting some of the questions... I really like the images... maybe unmowed lawns would go better with bushes... and I'd love to "smell" the night in this poem, especially the fireflies... Nice work! Dewell

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I can see it. Trash cans as sentinels, night sky, fireflies;

Post  Pat on Mon Apr 30, 2012 6:38 am

I can hear the dogs and squeaky merrygoround. Good job of using senses. I think tall grasses is so common I can hardly hear it: how about long grasses? That may be where Dewell paused with unmown vs mown. We readers are trying to picture it, of course. I don't think you need the last stanza at all. It's a distraction for me and changes your focus. The rest of it: good work! Pat

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Thanks to one and all

Post  Dennis20 on Mon Apr 30, 2012 4:04 pm

Thanks to all of you for the input. I may be getting better and I think you guys are instrumental in my growth.  I find it easier to see things amiss in works other than my own.  Your sight is important to me.  Dennis

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So True

Post  tsukany on Mon Apr 30, 2012 6:19 pm

Dennis...I believe it is part of human nature to see in others what we can't see in ourselves. For me, the path to health is in letting trusted individuals "bust my chops." Smile I think you are stellar at seeing potential in our works. Thanks again.
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