The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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Deer (they want 10 characters here)

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Pat

Posts : 655
Join date : 2011-09-12

Deer (they want 10 characters here)

Post  Pat on Wed Mar 28, 2018 2:38 pm

Deer

At night the deer
come down the mountain trail
to the river to drink.
They drop fear like backpacks
when they cross the road
in front of the house.
They may know our pattern
of tucking the dogs inside
when the big lantern lowers in the sky.
Happens every evening.
 
After having drinks,
four or five climb the bank
and amble about the yard.
Confident souls, they check
the willow and bamboo,
nibble grass, lie down,
cooling hooves.

Deer, making no noise. 
Still, bobcats and coyotes
prowl the valley.
 
Even if no predators,
anyone, anything can get hurt
climbing mountains or stepping
in mole holes. 
Nothing, really safe.


Not for any of us. Not anywhere.
  
At this thought,
the heartless, green thicket
may have moved.
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Karen

Posts : 305
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 64
Location : North Little Rock

Re: Deer (they want 10 characters here)

Post  Karen on Wed Mar 28, 2018 6:49 pm

You make the picture easy to see, Pat.

They drop fear like backpacks ... tucking the dogs inside.  Good stuff.

Some ideas.  

Omit Happens every evening.

I prefer After drinks to After having drinks.

Would you consider abbreviating the end?  Perhaps a rework of these lines?

Deer, making no noise.  

and 

the heartless, green thicket 
may have moved.

I think you have given it to us plenty strong without the explanation in the next-to-last and third-from-last stanzas.  A good poem.
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tsukany

Posts : 609
Join date : 2011-05-21

Cutting

Post  tsukany on Fri Mar 30, 2018 3:36 pm

Pat

The top seems to try hard to call itself a poem (sorry been reading Collins again this week).  Stanza three is very clipped and is probably the ending for me.  I wonder what happens to it if you let it show rather than be a pre-cursor for the last few stanzas of telling?

The "drinks" stanza took me to people and thus was a bit confusing.  What does that stanza do that is not in stanza one? 

"dropping fear like backpacks"?  I don't see other school references.

Todd

Pat

Posts : 655
Join date : 2011-09-12

Trying again. Found notepad again. Put Collins aside for a day or two. : )

Post  Pat on Fri Mar 30, 2018 4:32 pm

I'm giving it another go.  It was very raw.  I knew you people who carry knives and scissors would take out after it.  : )    Thank you! 

Deer

At night the deer
come down the mountain trail
to the river to drink.
They drop fear like an antler
when they cross the road
in front of the house.
Less lightens everything.
They may know our pattern
of tucking the dogs inside
when the big lantern lowers in the sky.

After lingering at the water’s edge,
five climb the bank
and bound about the yard.
Confident souls, they check
the willow and bamboo,
devour the landscape, lie down,
cool hooves.


I see some of myself in them.
Then I remember how
bobcats and coyotes
prowl this narrow valley.


And yet, it’s the one place
where we all want to be.

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 367
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

DEER they love flowers

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Mar 31, 2018 12:26 pm

Poem has some serenity to it that catches me smiling.

I don't understand...  less lightens everything?
Please delete it.  Sounds preachy anyway.

Interesting how dogs inside know deer are out there
and accept their presence peacefully.

Nice poem, Pat.  Feels like all is well in this scene.

Dewell

Willie Shaketon
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A poet by any other name

Post  Willie Shaketon on Mon Apr 02, 2018 10:19 am

Pat,  I like the calming after a day of adventure whether by man or beast. In the rewrite you have pared it down to flow in peace, but left the bobcats and coyotes in it.  They seem to detract from the peacefulness of the scene, at least for me. I know the threat is always there, but here is a moment of inner peace that as you say "the place we all want to be." Leave the beasties out, maybe.  Good poem Dennis

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