The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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LITTLE BIRD

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Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 360
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

LITTLE BIRD

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Mar 28, 2018 9:31 pm

A bit rough... need help from Capt. Cutter inc.... It feels to me like it wanders somewhat.
All suggestions appreciated.  Dewell

LITTLE BIRD

On my way to the mailbox
You gave me one small note
From high in my
Pink-blossomed dogwood tree

I stopped
My day stopped
I listened

On my return you perched
On top of the tree
Extoling the virtues of your plumage

I stopped
My day stopped
I smiled

Imagine
Holding time like that
In a tiny burst of singing

To bring me spring

   -Dewell H. Byrd
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Karen

Posts : 294
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 64
Location : North Little Rock

Re: LITTLE BIRD

Post  Karen on Fri Mar 30, 2018 6:59 am

I like the simplicity here.  

I particularly like the omission of punctuation and the repetitive I stopped stanzas.  I like the ordinary task of going to the mailbox.  I like seeing and hearing this little vignette of spring through the poet's eyes and ears.

I would substitute song for singing in the next to the last stanza.

Thanks for the spring, Dewell.
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tsukany

Posts : 600
Join date : 2011-05-21

Nice image

Post  tsukany on Fri Mar 30, 2018 3:23 pm

Dewell

I wonder if you need dogwood?  Seems like one or the other is sufficient.

I might trim the refrains:

I stopped
My day
stopped

On my return, you, perched
On top of the tree
Extol the virtues of your plumage

I smile
The day
smiles

I like Karen's thoughts for the last stanza too..

Todd

Pat

Posts : 642
Join date : 2011-09-12

Mailbox trip

Post  Pat on Fri Mar 30, 2018 4:47 pm

Simple, sweet.  Reminds me of how we lose the children see.  You captured the simplicity of how they see the world.  I want to think like a child again.  I have muddled my mind with other things, and I don't see well anymore.  : (  

Lovely.  I also like Karen and Todd's suggestions.

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