The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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Lovers then and now

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Willie Shaketon
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Lovers then and now

Post  Willie Shaketon on Thu Mar 29, 2018 10:06 am

Gang,  I couldn't get in under Dennis or Ben.  It says in red letters "sorry this name has been taken."  A poet by any other name...  Anyway, how does this stack up for a then and now poem.
It seems history shows we do the same things over and over.  Why shouldn't young lovers?




Meteorite

In Aeolian Greece a fracture of light
slashed night skies known as ta meteora.
A “celestial phenomena” increased faith,
brought good luck.  Each time one streaked
it lifted young lover’s hearts.
 
Eyelash of light, flash along the eastern rim
of our summer night.   Be bold, bedazzle
the lovers’ eyes.  Be steadfast
in majesty and splendor. Be music
in our millennia tonight.
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Karen

Posts : 305
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 64
Location : North Little Rock

Re: Lovers then and now

Post  Karen on Fri Mar 30, 2018 7:32 am

Dennis/Ben/Willie, this multiple personality suits you.  I aspire to it.  Karen is a good enough name for a workaday poet, but I need something hipper for slam and something classier for more tasteful situations.

On to the poem.

I do like the juxtaposition of then and now.  The first stanza worked too hard for me.  The words seemed to work too hard, and I had to work too hard.  I felt the weight of the explanation.  

Is it possible to bring the ease and clarity of the second stanza to the first?

Ta meteora brought me up short.  The meteor root gave me a reference, but the unfamiliar expression put the brakes on when I was just getting started.  Is it possible to use Ta Meteora as the title?  I think it would be more accessible there, and it might be a good hook to draw the reader in.

Eyelash of light.

Love that.
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tsukany

Posts : 609
Join date : 2011-05-21

Yup I like It

Post  tsukany on Fri Mar 30, 2018 3:17 pm

Willie

I like the suggestion Karen offered about the title.  I might go "lovers' " in stanza one.  

Good fun

Todd

Pat

Posts : 655
Join date : 2011-09-12

Ben, Willie, Dennis, Bill, Fred

Post  Pat on Fri Mar 30, 2018 4:58 pm

Todd helped me find notepad.  He might be able to help you with multiple personality.  But then you might be stuck with one kind of poetry too. : ) 

The title!  Yes, that's the place for another language. 

Oh the power of the skies. 

I noticed you switched to 2nd person in stanza 2;  I'm always nervous about switched over.  It clearly works here.

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 367
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

Meteorite

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Mar 31, 2018 12:04 pm

Second stanza flows for me.

First stanza gets all jumbled... not musical.

I like the "then and now" structure.

Can title include "Lovers.... meteorite?"

Stay with it.  Dewell

Willie Shaketon
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A poet by any other name

Post  Willie Shaketon on Mon Apr 02, 2018 9:48 am

Boy,  I was amazed and overwhelmed when I opened this up and found a complete make over!!  Try not to get old because it is hard to figure new things out sometimes.  I guess we rely on the thought that "there is nothing new under the sun" and we've seen it all.  I had to work to even get into the forum.  Well, that is if I am really in.  
Any way...

Thank you for the input.  I think changing the title would be an asset as well.  As you suggested, the foreign language in the title would be a better fit than in the body of the work.  I always appreciate the help.

Dennis - this time, or not?

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