The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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Wise Beyond Your Ears

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Markus

Posts : 10
Join date : 2018-02-22

Wise Beyond Your Ears Empty Wise Beyond Your Ears

Post  Markus on Thu Mar 29, 2018 2:18 pm

Wise Beyond Your Ears
 
was what I thought
I heard them say of you,
to which I wondered
 
if wisdom also
floated far off the island
of your bladder,
if prudence and common sense always sailed past
the shoreline of your spleen,
 
and what of your stout heart,
your inflated lungs,
your Roman nose,
 
not a single anatomical part,
they seemed to say,
fit for donation.
Karen
Karen

Posts : 320
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 65
Location : North Little Rock

Wise Beyond Your Ears Empty Re: Wise Beyond Your Ears

Post  Karen on Fri Mar 30, 2018 6:43 am

I love this premise!

the island of your bladder

the shoreline of your spleen

I like the mix of organs and structural parts.  Perhaps the ears and nose need the company of another non-organ, though.  Perhaps a toe or kneecap.

I'm not sure you need the explanation of what I thought I heard them say, the title sets the stage clearly.

I was thrown a bit by fit for donation.  It made me think of organ donation and question ears and nose.  Would you consider another phrase that conveys not as worthy?

This one is too close to just-right not to fine tune.
tsukany
tsukany

Posts : 641
Join date : 2011-05-21

Wise Beyond Your Ears Empty Markus

Post  tsukany on Fri Mar 30, 2018 3:26 pm

Markus

I think the "I" of the poem can leave entirely.  Seems like the remaining lines of stanza one can set the location:  morgue, DMV, that sort of thing.
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Pat

Posts : 719
Join date : 2011-09-12

Wise Beyond Your Ears Empty Donation of body parts

Post  Pat on Fri Mar 30, 2018 4:42 pm

is what it sounds like, but nothing useful there??

Oh phooey.  If he signed the papers, please let them use the skin or some part. 
Not the spleen though.  We don't need that anyway.

Some clever lines.  (Karen named them.)

How about ears since that's in your title?  Smile.

I'd try it in 3rd person.  Think of 1st person as back-up.  I really don't mind it in first person.

Thanks for the fun.
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Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 385
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 88
Location : Central Point, OR

Wise Beyond Your Ears Empty Wise Beyond Your Ears

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Mar 31, 2018 12:15 pm

Karen pretty well nailed it.

I, too, would opt for third person...
leave out spleen

Maybe even change the title to something like;
"BEYOND REPAIR."

If we are listening to old folks talk we might add;
"Bless his heart."

Dewell

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