The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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Just enjoying the moment(s)

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tsukany

Posts : 585
Join date : 2011-05-21

Just enjoying the moment(s)

Post  tsukany on Wed Apr 25, 2018 11:59 am

The Best Reason for Singing in Another Language

A singer on Resurrection Sunday slides “Ave Maria”
into a microphone, past the ears, and makes a deposit
in my soul.  I understand only the melody and that brief
mention of Jesus.  Later, I find out that she hailed a mother

and my eventual death.  Another singer at the integrated
Fine Arts College program, growls German love songs.
The sequins on her dress blind me as she inhales
to support the chorus.  She convinces me that love

      is difficult
and that I can love her only for love,
not her beauty, youth, or treasures.  
If I had no access to the translation,

I’d sit immersed in melody
and drive home in confidence.

--T.A. Sukany 25 Apr 2018

Markus

Posts : 9
Join date : 2018-02-22

Reply to "Anther Language"

Post  Markus on Wed Apr 25, 2018 7:29 pm

Yaesss, Todder.  Love those first two lines--the sliding and the depositing.  Small matter: lose the comma in line 6.  Nice touch to associate the religious song with the secular songs.  By the way, if you drop the "n" from "song," you get "sog."  Sounds wonderfully Old English.

Is the Fine Arts College Program different from the Resurrection Sunday program?  I assume so, but a reader might interpret that both singers are in the same program.

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 351
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

Re: Just enjoying the moment(s)

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Apr 27, 2018 4:59 pm

TODD, I would just enjoy the melody and later in pensive
mood I would search for the meanings and probably
find the connection.

Interesting how the language alone almost hides
the meaning.
Dewell

Pat

Posts : 619
Join date : 2011-09-12

Singing in Another Language

Post  Pat on Sun Apr 29, 2018 6:25 am

Grrrrr.  This is my 3rd attempt to critique this poem.  No telling what I'll say.  Take it with a grain of salt.

Grandkid-wildness/joy here all weekend and computer battery died with no warning!   Okay, I'm plugged in.  Another go at it.

 

I expected the persona to be a singer, but it was not.  It reminded me of an opera I attended in Memphis, Italian and German I think.  I had the stage set, a short summary and the music.  I did not understand much of what I saw and heard.

First 3 lines help me know where I am and what's happening.

4th and 5th lines:  Wow!  The heart for me.

No need for integrated Fine Arts...... not helpful to me, distracting too

Love:  Another growls German....

You have 3  "that's".  Why?  prose-like and distracting to me.

I'd put "love is difficult" on one line.  More powerful, in my opinion.  It's indented, so we won't miss it.

What if you said:  convinces me: / love is difficult/and I can love her only for love etc....

I like the last two lines for closure.  4442:  it works.

Not sure about this title.  Of course I'm hunting for the best reason and found a best reason for listening. . . . but  I failed to get the best reason for singing....

I really like what you are saying here. . . such depth.

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