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Communion (too few letters, they say.)

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Pat

Posts : 671
Join date : 2011-09-12

Communion (too few letters, they say.)

Post  Pat on Wed Apr 25, 2018 4:49 pm

Communion


On silent retreat, the women
gathered, letting name tags
tell their names and religions—
Catholic or Protestant.
 
Only one woman
carried the Protestant label.
 
On the third day of retreat,
a young priest
invited her to join the others
for Evening Mass,
to come for a blessing.
 
She came.  
In line, she intently watched,
not wanting to mess up. 

An old priest served
bread and wine,
saying, “the body and the blood.”
He read her tag,
tapped her forehead,
motioned for her to move along.
Her heart sank.
 
She numbly stumbled
into the dining hall
where the women would share
another mute meal.
There, she saw
what she cherished:
rolls and tomato juice.


Tears leaked from her eyes.

Markus

Posts : 10
Join date : 2018-02-22

Reply to Communion

Post  Markus on Wed Apr 25, 2018 7:17 pm

Pat, I like the connection between blood/body and tomato juice/rolls.  Religiously hip!  Poem is nicely accessible.
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tsukany

Posts : 619
Join date : 2011-05-21

Movement

Post  tsukany on Thu Apr 26, 2018 1:39 pm

Pat,

What happens to a version in present tense?  I think a few lines will need to be rethought.

I lobby to lose the last line since it's telling.  Might challenge the title.  It is the "setting" but not really the gist of the poem.

Well done and sensitive topic.

Todd

Pat

Posts : 671
Join date : 2011-09-12

Re: Communion (too few letters, they say.)

Post  Pat on Thu Apr 26, 2018 3:07 pm

Almost didn’t send this poem.  Very sensitive topic, but I am not the persona.
Now questioning title.  Here it is in present tense.
Communion (or is it more about Forgiveness? )  More later. . . .


On silent retreat, the women
gather, letting tags
tell names and religions—
Catholic or Protestant.
 
Only one woman
carries the Protestant label.


On the third day of retreat,
a young priest
invites her to join the others
for Evening Mass,
to come for a blessing.


She does.  She waits in line,
watches and listens,
not wanting to mess up.

An old priest serves
bread and wine,
saying, “the body and the blood.”
He reads her tag,
taps her on the forehead,
nods for her to move along.
Her heart sinks.
 
With the other women,
she numbly stumbles
into the dining hall
where they’ll share
another mute meal.
There, she sees
what she cherishes:
rolls and tomato juice.


She smiles
as she tastes tears
leaking from her eyes.
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tsukany

Posts : 619
Join date : 2011-05-21

More energy

Post  tsukany on Thu Apr 26, 2018 3:15 pm

Pat

I like present tense better.  I also like the parallelism of a "stumbles numb" rather than "numbly stumbles."

I lobby for the ending of the poem to be "juice."  Let the reader sort out the tone (which I think is very clear ending with "juice" btw).

I wonder if a title can reflect the underlying judgment (without tipping the scale to which way the reader should interpret).

I vote for a run past a dear catholic friend of ours (once the poem has been through LastFriday critique) who might be able to see the "wrong" of both sides of the issue.  If she can see both as wrong, then the poem will be more powerful than it is.

Todd

Pat

Posts : 671
Join date : 2011-09-12

Re: Communion (too few letters, they say.)

Post  Pat on Thu Apr 26, 2018 3:19 pm

Good feedback.  I'll run it past Diane.  Thanks so much.

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 374
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

Re: Communion (too few letters, they say.)

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Apr 27, 2018 4:51 pm

Pat wrote:Good feedback.  I'll run it past Diane.  Thanks so much.

Pat,  I am enjoying the depth of y7our offering. 
I just haven't figured out how to post/quote
whatever in this new format,,, Dewell

Pat

Posts : 671
Join date : 2011-09-12

new title ?????

Post  Pat on Mon Apr 30, 2018 8:38 pm

I'm looking at it again.

What if I retitled it?   Maybe:   Heart Decisions

Let the reader sort it out.  : ) 

Yes, a loop hole.

I sent it to Diane.  No response.  I sent it to her again with this title.  : ) We'll see how that goes.

I told her the story earlier.  She says, "We've got some sweet priests, then there are some others." 

If you don't like my title, could you give me one?  Thanks.
It's not about communion.  I can see that.
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tsukany

Posts : 619
Join date : 2011-05-21

Title

Post  tsukany on Tue May 01, 2018 9:27 am

Pat

I wonder if you can apply (or misapply) the "new wine in new wine skins" story to the title?

Todd

Pat

Posts : 671
Join date : 2011-09-12

Re: Communion (too few letters, they say.)

Post  Pat on Tue May 01, 2018 9:31 am

Hmmm.  I know the story.  Thanks.

Pat

Posts : 671
Join date : 2011-09-12

Re: Communion (too few letters, they say.)

Post  Pat on Tue May 01, 2018 10:25 am

Okay, I reread it in the Bible.  It fits.

What do you guys think of this?  It's all miraculous, of course.

Just ignore the spacing on this please.  I have it in stanzas.   Check the title and the epigraph.  What do you think?




New Wine For Fresh Wineskins 
(Mark 2:22, English Standard Version of the Bible))

 

On silent retreat, the women
gather, letting tags
publish their names and religions—
Catholic or Protestant.

 
Only one woman
carries the Protestant label.

 
On her third day of retreat,
a young priest
invites her to join the others at Mass,
to come for a blessing.

 
In time, she makes her way
to the Lord’s table
where an old priest
serves bread and wine,
saying, “the body and the blood.”

 
He reads her tag,
taps her forehead,
and nods for her to move along.
Her heart sinks.

 
She stumbles numb
into the dining hall where the women
will share another mute meal.
It is then when she sees
what she cherishes:
rolls and tomato juice.
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 619
Join date : 2011-05-21

I like it

Post  tsukany on Wed May 02, 2018 1:28 pm

Pat,

I like it.  I hope others will read and comment

Todd

Pat

Posts : 671
Join date : 2011-09-12

Re: Communion (too few letters, they say.)

Post  Pat on Wed May 02, 2018 2:14 pm

Me too.  Thanks for your help.

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