The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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Karen

Posts : 306
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 64
Location : North Little Rock

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Post  Karen on Wed May 23, 2018 9:30 am

A little racy...

To quote Todd, Wee haaaa.

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You may never meet me sleepless
in the dead of night.
Dance the tangled tango,
shake the sheets from bed to floor.

You may never kiss mimosa
at my elbow’s bend,
taste the scent of nightfall,
intoxicating pinkness.

You may never strike the first match,
set the woods afire.
Undergrowth may choke me.
You are not my arsonist.

I will never raise the lantern
or unlock the gate.
I may stand the vigil.
I may writhe alive alone.
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renee.barger

Posts : 38
Join date : 2016-09-17

I think I get it

Post  renee.barger on Wed May 23, 2018 11:01 pm

I'm a little rusty at reading poems and interpreting them, so I think I get it after reading it a few times. It took awhile for me to digest all of the word play (which I loved!). 

I liked all the repeating sounds. "Shake sheets" "tangled tango" "writhe alive alone." 

I was really impressed with the second stanza, especially the line "taste the scent of nightfall." 

After reading it a few times, I had an "ah-ha" moment on the 3rd stanza, and I felt like my mind was blown by all the related images. Nicely done!

Willie Shaketon
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like on a rainy night

Post  Willie Shaketon on Thu May 24, 2018 7:23 am

Karen,  I wish you hadn't prefaced it with "a little racy."  I know that was just for us, but I went into it with that expectation.  I know it won't be there when it is read by someone else and I think that is good.  With that said, I can picture that and I do like the sounds that tickle the tongue.  Good poem.

Dennis
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tsukany

Posts : 609
Join date : 2011-05-21

I agree with Dennis

Post  tsukany on Fri May 25, 2018 10:11 am

Karen

I agree with Dennis--I like to make decisions on a poem based on the poem's introduction, it's title.  It's like when someone starts a joke with, "This is the funniest joke you've ever heard."  My passive-aggressive hearts hardens.  Smile

I love the fun of this poem and, of course, the WEEE HAAAA!

I get lost when the poem shifts persons in stanza three (third line).  Sounds like the persona goes solo at the last line of stanza four.  That ending feels different than the setup of the rest of the poem.

I would challenge the third line of stanza three and all of stanza four.  What do you want the "you" of the poem to learn?  How is that "lesson" connected to the title?

Thanks for being part of this group.  I miss you when you are off being brilliant with others.

Todd

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 367
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

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Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat May 26, 2018 12:20 pm

I think of Pres. Jimmy Carter's mother
when she looked at her three young children 
and said, "I should have remained a virgin."

Racy or not I loved this poem: subject, images,
sounds.  Couple of persona rough spots Todd
pointed out but captivating in tone.

Persona could be any gender, too.
Dewell

Pat

Posts : 655
Join date : 2011-09-12

Yes, it is racy. Yes, I would have caught it. : )

Post  Pat on Sat May 26, 2018 3:12 pm

Karen, you have a fun, racy, publishable poem here. 
I wonder about doing a contrast.
You set it up with repetition, "You may never. .  ."  What if you flipped it at the end?  to say something like (maybe S 3, line4 or S 4 to say:   But you may. . . . whatever.  What comes to me is:   But you may read every line of every poem I've ever written.  (That's me. . . . you will have a better line.) 
I'd just be repeating them if I said any more. 
you definitely have a poetic mind.

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