The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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Connected Poem

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renee.barger

Posts : 38
Join date : 2016-09-17

Connected Poem

Post  renee.barger on Wed May 23, 2018 10:39 pm

Hi, guys. Sorry I've been MIA for so long. I think the last time I posted, I was in the last trimester of pregnancy. Our son is a healthy, happy 11 month old! Also since the last time I was on, I started a new job which required me to get certified in Java programming, which took a good 6 months to prepare and take the test. My time is slowing freeing up, so I'm hoping to participate regularly again. I hope to participate in the discussions this month, although I'm pretty rusty. I gotta get the creative juices going again. Smile 


Connected

I open
up, sharing with my friends.
Comments not behind my back but on my wall.

I go
through my feed,
seeing everything I should like.

I compose
a heartfelt reply to a friend,
but I only get a thumbs up. 

I stop.
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Karen

Posts : 287
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 64
Location : North Little Rock

Re: Connected Poem

Post  Karen on Thu May 24, 2018 7:17 am

Arrgh.  Social media.  Some days I *heart* it not.  

I like (no pun intended) the form I open ... I go ... I compose ... I stop.  I also like the brevity, but I think the poem might benefit from one more stanza, using a bit more social media terminology.  Tag or follow?  

Title to consider: Timeline

I enjoyed the poem and share the sentiment!
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tsukany

Posts : 592
Join date : 2011-05-21

Renee is BACK!

Post  tsukany on Fri May 25, 2018 10:15 am

Renee

Great to have you back.  I always appreciate your comments (pun intended).

I offer two tidbits:  

1.  Can "comments" become "comment" and act as a verb?

2.  Remove the punctuation at the end of the poem as though you stop even the act of completing that line.  Smile

Todd

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 356
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

Connected Poem

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat May 26, 2018 12:06 pm

Renee,
Yea to brevity
Boo to social meania

Good to have you back babe and all.
I admire the brevity of this offering.
If I were writing it surely it would wander
on endlessly.  

Yes, delete the period at poem's end
and leave it open... hanging, even.
Dewell

Pat

Posts : 630
Join date : 2011-09-12

Congratulations on enlarging the family!

Post  Pat on Sat May 26, 2018 3:21 pm

Nice to have you back.

I like the shortness too.

I hear the openness, the head, then the heart.

You don't get what you need/want and stop.  It's a good suggestion about abruptly stopping.  Like a doe does when she hears something. 

It's like she perks those ears and say, Whaaaaat?  : )  

Easy to follow.
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renee.barger

Posts : 38
Join date : 2016-09-17

Thanks for the good feedback

Post  renee.barger on Wed May 30, 2018 3:33 pm

Hi, all

Thank you so much for the ideas and suggestions. I was debating about the punctuation. I'll take out that last period. 

I also struggle with titles, so I will rethink it. I like the idea of Timeline.

I was debating if I had enough stanzas/content. I will play around with it some more.

Thank you again so much!
Renée

Pat

Posts : 630
Join date : 2011-09-12

Glad you are back, Renee.

Post  Pat on Wed May 30, 2018 4:18 pm

It's always "your" poem.  We just get to play with it and think about it.  I struggle with titles too.  You always get to have the last word.  : ) 
Have a good June.

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