The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


  • Post new topic
  • Reply to topic

FATHER'S DAY

Share

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 363
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

FATHER'S DAY

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu May 24, 2018 8:51 pm

FATHER'S DAY                         Need all the help I can get on this poem.  Dewell

A hand hovers
Over a silent phone

Storm clouds gather
Over the Cascades

Clouds masquerade
Like shards of yesterday

Old friend's faces
Broken promises

Harsh words
Slathered with anger

Lost loves
Alone, lost

In the grape green valley
Men scurry about

Among grey pebble houses
Ushered by cloud shadows

A hand lingers on the phone
Trembles

   -Dewell H. Byrd
avatar
renee.barger

Posts : 38
Join date : 2016-09-17

My response/thoughts

Post  renee.barger on Thu May 24, 2018 11:02 pm

I *really* liked how the first and last stanza are the same image of the hand over the telephone. It really emphasized how he was hesitating to call (his dad I think).

I felt like I was following until I got to stanza 7 and 8. I felt like the scene changed (although wasn't sure.) I felt like it was all about one man's thoughts, and then in stanza 7, I read it like he was interrupted by men scurrying outside his house. But I wasn't sure.

I'm also not sure if I understand why/if I like that there's only two lines per stanza. To me, stanzas 2 and 3 go together, and stanzas 4 and 5 and maybe 6 go together. 

Hope something in that was helpful. I really liked the cloud imagery, reminded me of another poem posted this month! Smile
avatar
Karen

Posts : 299
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 64
Location : North Little Rock

Re: FATHER'S DAY

Post  Karen on Fri May 25, 2018 6:57 am

The title sets the stage for me to expect father and child.  Old friends and lost loves take me elsewhere.  I want more on the friends and loves or to stay with the father and child.

The men scurrying about threw me off track as well.  I think your intention is to contrast the busyness of the world with this very quiet house, but I wish you would lead me to the trough a bit more.  Admittedly, I don't always drink once you get me there.

I like the specificity of the Cascades.  The grape green valley and pebble houses echo that nicely.

Suggestion.  Would you consider repeating your first two lines as your last?
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 605
Join date : 2011-05-21

I cut too much

Post  tsukany on Fri May 25, 2018 10:03 am

Dewell

I cut too much, sorry.  I wonder if there are too many mentions of clouds?

FATHER'S DAY

Among grey pebble houses
Ushered by cloud shadows
In the grape green valley
Men scurry about

Storm clouds gather
Over the Cascades
Clouds masquerade
Like shards of yesterday

A hand hovers
Over a silent phone

--Dewell H. Byrd

Pat

Posts : 648
Join date : 2011-09-12

I don't know if I get it or not.

Post  Pat on Sat May 26, 2018 3:33 pm

First and last stanzas:  phone.  Is he waiting for his phone call from his grownup child?

Is everything in between those two stanzas about memories?  Clouds and dark memories?

Am I anywhere near right?  I may be in left field.  I often am at home in left field.

Old friends and lost loves.  Is the man distracted by these thoughts?  Sort of took me away from the phone call and Father's Day.

I'd stick with Father's Day and child, if that is what happens here.  I'd lose whatever does not fit in with that.

I think you have good potential here.

Sponsored content

Re: FATHER'S DAY

Post  Sponsored content

  • Post new topic
  • Reply to topic

Current date/time is Tue Sep 25, 2018 2:10 am