The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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Line breaks anyone?

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tsukany

Posts : 615
Join date : 2011-05-21

Line breaks anyone?

Post  tsukany on Mon Jun 25, 2018 12:17 pm

He Looked into Your Eyes

I tell you from experience,
like the fresh moments
after walking too close to the edge
of the Grand Canyon.

After stopping briefly
to read of the three artists
Commander called in to hone the craft,
I left the gallery, quickly, grandson in hand.

But steps past the racks of racks,
I could still see their warrior eyes.  

G.W. pooled us a hundred or more oils,
oils that reveal sights Courage saw;
eyes that preserve sacrifices we feel.  

--T.A. Sukany  18 Jun 2018
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Karen

Posts : 309
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 64
Location : North Little Rock

Re: Line breaks anyone?

Post  Karen on Tue Jun 26, 2018 7:37 pm

The first stanza set the stage well for me.  The inclusion of "G.W." and "Courage" ensured I understood the reference.  The final stanza delivered.

I puzzled over why the poet left the gallery quickly in line 8.  The word "steps" threw me.  I first read it as a verb, then had trouble getting back on track.  "Pooled" as a verb also brought me up short. 

The poem takes me where I believe the poet wants me to go, but I stopped and started more than I found comfortable.

Pat

Posts : 665
Join date : 2011-09-12

I'm stumbling through this

Post  Pat on Sat Jun 30, 2018 2:07 pm

like I do with puzzles of all sorts.  

As simple as it is written, it has puzzling qualities.  Intended, I'm fairly certain.

I'll spell out what I got.  Maybe that will help somehow.  G. W.:  I took it to be George Washington in Rev. War.  I love history, but I am rusty.  Courage fits.  I did not get racks OF racks unless it is men stacked on top of one another???!!!  

 I find myself trying to hook Grand Canyon into this and I cannot unless you saw it in the gallery. That may be the reason for the word "fresh".  Why not He Looked into Our Eyes if you are in a gallery? "Your" sort of distances you from the eyes.  Less scary I suppose.

I don't need briefly and I'm prejudiced against adverbs unless you need them.  They take away from the power of the statement for me.

What if you used the title to establish where you are and made this title one of the lines?

I don't know if your meaning of steps is footsteps or concrete steps?  I don't know the definition of racks of racks.

G. W. pooled.....  So, I really don't know who G. W. is.  Unless it's a room of G. W. and other Rev War paintings.  

Everything here is guess work.  I don't do puzzles very well.  

Line breaks:  I like it when the line ends with a noun.  Just because there is power at the end of the line.
Last line:  what if you drop "we feel"?  Just a thought.

Line 8:  I like this line in the poem:  it sounds protective.

Wish I could be more help.  Glean what you can and pitch the rest.  : )

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 371
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

Line Breaks, Anyone

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Jun 30, 2018 4:56 pm

I think the line breaks are OK in this poem
but remember that line breaks are not my forte.

The poem, I puzzled over a lot.  "Courage" really threw me
and I still don't get it unless it is a painting's name.

That Grand Canyon reference has strong meaning for me
because I've edged the Yellowstone Grand Canyon many
times trying to get a better picture of the upper falls.
And of course circling the Washington monument
is a "steps" experience.

Enjoying the parts of this poem I understand and
still working on the rest.  Dewell
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tsukany

Posts : 615
Join date : 2011-05-21

Can I Get a Witness?

Post  tsukany on Mon Jul 02, 2018 9:37 am

He Looked into Your Eyes
(Wonders of Wildlife display June 2018)

I tell you from experience,
like the fresh moments
after walking too close to the edge
of the Grand Canyon.

After pausing a breath
to read of the three artists
Commander called in to hone the portraits,
I left the gallery, quickly, grandson in hand.

Yet a brushstroke past the racks of racks,
I could still see their warrior eyes.  

G.W. canvassed a hundred or more oils,
oils that reveal sights Courage saw;
eyes that preserve sacrifices we feel.  

--T.A. Sukany  18 Jun 2018

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