The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


  • Post new topic
  • Reply to topic

Common Miracles

Share

Pat

Posts : 665
Join date : 2011-09-12

Common Miracles

Post  Pat on Tue Jun 26, 2018 9:04 pm

Which title?   Any thoughts, welcome.

God Is in the Details  (or Common Miracles)  

Am I making too much of the common,
the ordinary?
Every day, they pop out of nowhere:
ditch lilies, floorboards creaking, 
short-handled broom, a haunting afterthought,
a somersault.

The builders across the river
tap and hammer near the far bank.
I clink a spoon against a cup.

Call me old or dysfunctional,
but wherever I look and listen,
miracles 
come this way
in the form of music, salt, 
elbows, talk, poetry, a baby.

Then there's breath
and fancydancing
going on inside my body,
cells galloping like wild horses
to finger snaps.
avatar
Karen

Posts : 309
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 64
Location : North Little Rock

Re: Common Miracles

Post  Karen on Wed Jun 27, 2018 5:29 pm

Mmm.  I like this.  Good stuff.  

My 2 cents – 

Common Miracles for the title.

Omit the common from the first line and move the ordinary up to its place.

Work on lines 4-6 to give them the rhythmic list quality of lines 14-15. 

Ditch the disclaimer at the beginning of stanza 3, begin it with Miracles.

It would be stronger to omit like before wild horses and make the last line wild horses to finger snaps.

If fancydancing as a compound word is a typo, please leave it!
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 615
Join date : 2011-05-21

Capt'n Cutt Returns

Post  tsukany on Thu Jun 28, 2018 11:30 am

Pat

I wonder if you like cutting stanzas 2 and 4?  Then try reading S4 as S1 and end the poem with S1.  short and to the point in two stanzas.

I agree that "common miracles" is better as title.

Todd

Sponsored content

Re: Common Miracles

Post  Sponsored content

  • Post new topic
  • Reply to topic

Current date/time is Tue Nov 20, 2018 10:32 pm