The Last Friday

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    Are there enough stanza breaks? Is the format inviting because of the large blocks of text?

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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Are there enough stanza breaks? Is the format inviting because of the large blocks of text?

    Post  tsukany on Thu May 24, 2012 6:52 am

    The Church I Know

    doesn’t ride on horses across a desert
    to kill the inhabitants of a city. Several
    modestly dressed people will stand around the front doors,
    waiting for me to enter the building. The foyer
    has food, sitting on a table, just inside the doors.
    The copier is just to the left of that table. To its right,
    a tripod stands, showing the thermometer of donations
    needed to move into a new building in a new community.

    That building will hold twice as many people,
    have four or five restrooms, a food table,
    videos, computers, a copier, a cross,
    envelopes for money and addresses. People will
    standup, speak, shout, cry, confess, be changed again
    and again, and probably again again. People will
    be all shapes and sizes, colors too. I expect no one
    to be killed by men on horses as the kingdom advances.

    --Sukany 24 May 2012

    Dennis20
    Guest

    Stanza breaks

    Post  Dennis20 on Sat May 26, 2012 12:54 pm

    Todd,

    Looking at subject matter, I would begin a second stanza with "The foyer" and end it with "addresses".  That would make three subjects within the poem. Each would have its own stanza.  You might need to reconfigure the poem with shorter lines.  That would make it a longer poem.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Stanza Breaks for Todd' Poem

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu May 31, 2012 6:07 pm

    I like the suggestions made by Dennis.

    Beginning of second stanza might read This building instead of that bldg. A skinnier poem of shorter lines might be more "up-lifting". You know, the feeling one gets looking at a church. Format can enhance the impact of the poem. Two weeks ago we did a tour of churches in Charleston: Round to Four-cornered, and the physical impact was striking. I love the people standing around welcoming worshipers to the church pictured in this poem... I can feel it and hear it.

    Thanks for sharing this poem, Todd.

    Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Re: Are there enough stanza breaks? Is the format inviting because of the large blocks of text?

    Post  Pat on Mon Jun 04, 2012 5:00 pm

    Okay, Todd, I'm taking the first two lines to mean that it's not a tall, overwhelming church to residents down below. Nice way to say it. (In N M they have cities with ordinances against building tall structures. They must fit with the rest of the city: one or two stories. Even banks must fit in. : ) So that what came to me.) They must be modest, like the people.

    A detail: I think the food would be setting instead of sitting?

    Hmmm. I'd go with present tense all the way through. And on the food line I'd start a new stanza and start with Food sets on a table just inside the foyer. It's like you open the door to the church and there it is: physical food. I think you can drop just right before copier. Maybe tell us if the thermometer is rising or dropping?

    Do you need and addresses? That distracted me from money. : ) I love your sense of humor : probably again and again. But I also love God's mercy. : ) But we human beings ARE a funny lot! And not always about God's business : (

    Your last line got my attention!! Wow! New meaning? Or did I just not get it on line 1? : ) It has happened before. My mind went to persecution. Jesus and disciples and missionaries and stand-up preachers ARE persecuted. Hated and killed sometimes, if they are preaching the gospel. Churches advance (we hope) the spiritual kingdom giving spiritual food. But all churches are not about saving souls. . . some are about show-and-tell with a building program. I don't know if I'm just hearing in this poem what use to frustrate me in a couple of churches I attended or what!

    Not once do you address spiritual food, so this fascinates me. : ) Good for you.

    Thoughts on the sizes and shapes of people, etc. What if you named green bean, apple, pear shapes? big, little? red, white, brown, black? I know, I am making it longer. Might be too much. . . .

    Finally, I wonder if this is a poem about our not being persecuted because we (in churches) are not doing that much to advance the kingdom. But we have beautiful buildings, food for congregates, and a tall plan. I hope you'll let me know. : )

    Shape of poem. I wouldn't worry about the length. Go with couplets or shorter lines and see what that looks like to you. I don't care for long, long lines. . . unless it's a prose poem. I'll plow through those.

    Thanks for making me think, think, think. Pat

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