The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


  • Post new topic
  • Reply to topic

ONE DAY AT A TIME

Share

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 371
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

ONE DAY AT A TIME

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Aug 31, 2018 9:14 pm

ONE DAY AT A TIME            Looking for a better title and the last two lines seem to dangle.  Help!  Dewell

Clouds gossip along the Pacific Rim Trail
with dawn colors in their bellies
like Indian paintbrush in full bloom.

Tiny clouds dance afoot while full blown
clouds argue about who will honor
the festivities of "Posting of The Banns."

Mists, showers, sprinkles, rainbows,
frost, sleet, hail or snow?  Every cloud
wishes to express itself abundantly.

The Council of Clouds decrees that
it would be fitting for all clouds to do
their best or worst weathering today

and shower the pair with a gift of
"Intermittent Everything" thus
preparing them for marriage.

Pat

Posts : 665
Join date : 2011-09-12

One Day at a Time

Post  Pat on Sat Sep 01, 2018 9:22 am

Dewell, I got lost.
Google helped some.
Wonder if the title could help me. Something like Day of Announcement of Wedding.  I don't know, but I want you to point me toward marriage somehow.  I was surprised when I read marriage. However, I had not googled anything then.  
I like the personification of clouds.  Delightful:  dancing, arguing, gossiping clouds.
I don't get Intermittent Everything.  Google took me toward fasting diets.
S 2, line 1:  bloom is used a second time.
S 1, line 2:  another possibility:  comma after bellies;  drop like in next line
I looked up Posting of the Banns.  I had no clue.
Not sure you need S 3.  I'd check that stanza and following stanzas for "telling".  Is there a way to show the happy clouds showering the pair with love?  Backflips and Hugs?
Even the clouds are happy.  I get it, but is there a way to show it.
You took me to a new place.
Happy to learn of such rituals.  I had no idea. Maybe people living on the Pacific Rim Trail would get it easily. clouds approve of their marriage plans. Love that.
avatar
Karen

Posts : 309
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 64
Location : North Little Rock

Re: ONE DAY AT A TIME

Post  Karen on Sat Sep 01, 2018 11:11 am

The cloud metaphor absolutely delivers for me.  I love the Council of Clouds and best and worst weathering.  I agree with Pat that the reader needs a hint of marriage earlier.  The Posting of the Banns will fly past many.  Since you’re fretful of the title, perhaps a phrase unequivocally associated with marriage?  To have and to hold?  For better or worse? 

I want a hyphen in full-blown.  The ending doesn’t satisfy me, but I do like Intermittent Everything.  I urge you to query St. Google for phrases related to marriage and phrases related to clouds and see if there is any help to be had there.
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 615
Join date : 2011-05-21

Focus for Title

Post  tsukany on Sat Sep 01, 2018 11:18 am

Dewell

This poem sends me to Native Americans, Amerindians as one of my textbooks says.  I wonder if you can push that imagery into the crevases of this work.  

I did no research of the terms I didn't know.  I am responding to the poem without the assistance of St. Google.

Todd
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 615
Join date : 2011-05-21

Focus for Title

Post  tsukany on Sat Sep 01, 2018 11:19 am

Dewell

This poem sends me to Native Americans, Amerindians as one of my textbooks says.  I wonder if you can push that imagery into the crevasses of this work.  

I did no research of the terms I didn't know.  I am responding to the poem without the assistance of St. Google.

Todd

Sponsored content

Re: ONE DAY AT A TIME

Post  Sponsored content

  • Post new topic
  • Reply to topic

Current date/time is Tue Nov 20, 2018 10:04 pm