The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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Homesickness

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Pat

Posts : 671
Join date : 2011-09-12

Homesickness

Post  Pat on Mon Sep 24, 2018 2:55 pm

(I've been struggling for just the right words here.  S 4:  do I dump that line or keep it?  What else?

Homesickness

You asked about my mood.

It's hard to cover
such a longing
when there's a mist hanging,
a distant dove cooing,
and I'm swallowing gray sky.

Images appear
of brothers, sisters, girlfriends
no longer with us.

All, graduated from life on earth.

The smell of coffee
stirs more sweet sorrow
embedded in my bones.

Something about a damp day.
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Karen

Posts : 310
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 65
Location : North Little Rock

Re: Homesickness

Post  Karen on Thu Sep 27, 2018 7:02 am

Would you consider omitting You asked about my mood?  This poem takes me inside your mood, and I kept worrying back to the person in L2.  

Something about a damp day could be a worthy title.  I do want homesickness in the poem though.  It's important, and has a different feel from grief.  You've caught that here.

I'm swallowing gray sky would be a killer final line.

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 374
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

Homesickness

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Sep 28, 2018 8:51 pm

Title is OK but first line seems weak... look for a line that dives right into the mood.  I have none to offer.

I prefer friends instead of girlfriends.  A little more universal... leaves more room for the reader.

Karen's idea for an end line is perfect.

Good, clean images.  Well done, Friend. 
A little sunshine may winnow away that mood.  Dewell

Pat

Posts : 671
Join date : 2011-09-12

My Changes to My Poem: Homesickness

Post  Pat on Sat Sep 29, 2018 6:28 am

Thank you, Karen and Dewell.  
Anyone else, read this version please.


Something About A Damp Day

 
It’s hard to cover
such a longing
on a still morning
when there’s a mist hanging,
a distant dove cooing.

 
Images appear
of brothers, sisters, friends
no longer here.

 
All, graduated from life on earth.

 
The smell of coffee
stirs more homesickness
embedded deep in my bones.

 
I swallow a gray sky.
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tsukany

Posts : 619
Join date : 2011-05-21

More to add

Post  tsukany on Sat Sep 29, 2018 8:22 am

Pat

I like that you followed Karen's lead.  I lobby to cut "no longer here" as a telling line and let the next line replace it as a showing line.

What about three tercets?

Something about a Damo Day

Such longing on a still morning
when mist hangs, and
a distant dove coos.

Images appear of brothers,
sisters, friends all
graduated from life on earth.

The smell of coffee
stirs more homesickness.
I swallow a gray sky.

Pat

Posts : 671
Join date : 2011-09-12

Well, well, well. . . .

Post  Pat on Sat Sep 29, 2018 11:10 am

I am forever surprised at your good eyes and wisdom.

I thank you!  

Yes.  

Pat

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