The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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DAISY SEZ...

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Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 374
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

DAISY SEZ...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Sep 27, 2018 5:58 pm

With permission of Daisy's servants, I offer this poem.  Looking for ways to hone it.  OREGON HOME OWNERS QUARTERLY REVIEW wants FSR.
And local Humane Society wants it, too.  Appreciate your help.  It seems a little long in S#4.  Dewell

DAISY SEZ...

When you drag your masters around the loop
enough times
"They begin to look a lot like you."

I know it is true because I saw it on TV
when MasterGlen and Mrs. left
it on to entertain me while they were
ICE CREAMING with their gang.

I turned the channel from cartoons
to DOGGIE DAZE and there it was.

I submit MasterGlen as a case in point.
His feet hurt from looping so many times,
he was chewing on a steak bone after dinner,
crawling under the bed looking for a chew-shoe,
blushed when we passed a fire hydrant,
sniffed when Mrs. Shirley patted my head,
scratched behind his own ear.

I tell you it is true.  He's beginning
to look a lot like me.

Pointy noise, gray muzzle, shedding hair,
curling up on the couch instead of sitting,
whining for a second serving,
belly sagging.
And some other oddities
too embarrassing to mention.

Just look him in the eye, you'll see it too.

Maybe next time he will take me with him
to the ICE CREAM SOCIAL.

--Your Friendly Cat-Hater,  Daisy.
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Karen

Posts : 310
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 65
Location : North Little Rock

Re: DAISY SEZ...

Post  Karen on Fri Sep 28, 2018 7:10 am

First, the title.  Love it!

I think the poem would meet your potential audience more happily in a shorter version with briefer stanzas.  Think treats instead of chew-toy.  I like Daisy's eccentric capitalization a great deal.  I campaign for it to become one of her signatures.  I would, however, prefer she eschew the quotation marks in L3.  

I daresay you have TWO poems here and the seeds of a third.  ICE CREAMING and TV watching seem to merit an entire poem, and I expect Daisy's catechism of cats would be quite entertaining.  

The Dos and Don'ts of Daisy have all the earmarks of a serial.

Unless I'm barking up the wrong tree.

Pat

Posts : 671
Join date : 2011-09-12

Daisy Sez

Post  Pat on Fri Sep 28, 2018 7:28 am

Get ready, Dewell.   Wink 
I think it is cute and funny, but some superfluous words that don't help the movement of the poem.  It may just need weeding.
One colloquialism or two, but not so much.
I'd eliminate:  quote marks, line 3 (I know it is)  Just say True 'cause.....,while they were ice creaming with their gang ( another poem like Karen says), S 5, already said that, last 2 stanzas.  
I'd put left on line 5 on next line.  (I misread it because of location.)
Maybe say:  There's more or Not only that, but pointy noise, etc.
I like the signature.
Yep, it could go on and on.  Have you read A Dog's Purpose?  You would love it!  Cute like this!  
It's also a movie.  : ) 
This is a fun one.
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tsukany

Posts : 619
Join date : 2011-05-21

Woodshedding this poem

Post  tsukany on Sat Sep 29, 2018 8:36 am

Dewell

I think the revise strategy for this poem is to remove every instance of "it."  That will force specifics to enter the poem.  

I am not sure why words are in all caps.

I am not sure if the poem is focused on theme "hang around someone/thing long enough you look the same" or here's "a dog telling a story."  The focus, if it were singular, should increase the power of the images.

Have fun.  

Would you mind posting a revision if one occurs?

Todd

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