The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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Stanza breaks anyone?

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tsukany

Posts : 619
Join date : 2011-05-21

Stanza breaks anyone?

Post  tsukany on Thu Sep 27, 2018 7:47 pm

Unable to Forgive

Poppy anemone sway
like swaddling cloth
outside Naamah’s bedroom

window.  Wife number
six hundred sixty-seven
as memory serves. 

They become
thousands of eyes,
black centers,

white pupils,
bloodshot,
like my tears. 

Not even in all my glory
was I dressed as this field. 
Not ever.

--T.A. Sukany 27 Sep 2018
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Karen

Posts : 310
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 65
Location : North Little Rock

Re: Stanza breaks anyone?

Post  Karen on Fri Sep 28, 2018 6:21 am

Anemone sway stopped me.  Did you intend anemone to be plural?

Please do forgive my minimalism when I suggest the poem might be strengthened by culling three lines from stanzas 3 and 4 to form a new stanza.  I bumped into like my tears.  

I love the Biblical mystery of this poem.  And the title.

Pat

Posts : 671
Join date : 2011-09-12

Unable to Forgive

Post  Pat on Fri Sep 28, 2018 7:08 am

Because I do not know about swaying anemones, it stopped me and I looked it up.  : )  This is a poppy and can sway.  Got it.  
A poppy from tubers!  Wow!  
In S 3 I first thought They referred back to  wives.  Then I saw we were still on anemones?  Shocked
They become or They suddenly appear?  (In the eye of the beholder, right?)
I like the Biblical reference, but …. I don't know that you need the last stanza.
Todd, I love this little moment-story.
I like the 3 line stanzas too.
Short but powerful.  Perfect title.
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Karen

Posts : 310
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 65
Location : North Little Rock

Re: Stanza breaks anyone?

Post  Karen on Fri Sep 28, 2018 7:35 am

Latecomer to the party here regarding anemone as an adjective.  But now I want poppy to be poppies.  

I only live to misread.

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 374
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

UNABLE TO FORGIVE

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Sep 28, 2018 8:28 pm

I, too, think the title... fitting.
Some of that third stanza could be omitted or combined but I like it as is.
Layer after layer of meaning emerged as I read and re-read this poem.
Brief, powerful.  Nice job... (Stanza breaks feel fine for me.)  Dewell

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