The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Is the title appropriate for the poem?

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    Dennis20
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    Is the title appropriate for the poem?

    Post  Dennis20 on Sat May 26, 2012 12:42 pm

     

    Summer Life

    After the red-blood of evening sun

    I heard crickets tuning

    as I strolled along the garden's green

    and felt soft warmth of evening stars.

    My sole sank into the soil,

    into its cool and dark life,

    but I have felt its life many times

    with crickets waxing elequent

    and evening stars gliding.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Seems Deeper than your current title

    Post  tsukany on Sat May 26, 2012 3:24 pm

    Dennis

    The poem takes me past life and into thinking about life itself. You have two references to "evening stars." Is that important enough to visit in a title? I wonder if another word for "red" in the first line might add to the music of line two or four. I really like the image of this one Dennis. Thanks for sharing it.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Title for Dennis's poem?

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu May 31, 2012 5:51 pm

    Present title suggests a warm, lighthearted event but this poem may be too deep, philosophical for this title. I like how the poem moves along. I feel a bit sad when soul, deep, dark,etc invades my walk. I'd like to see this poem explore the subject further... another stanza or two. Love the crickets and their music. Good work, Dennis. Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Feels deep to me too. . . .

    Post  Pat on Mon Jun 04, 2012 4:19 pm

    Titles to consider or get you going: Under the Burning Stars or Under a Starry Sky (burning because they were warming to you.) Under a Moonless Sky? (gardens tell us that it is summer)

    I like the images I see. I see it with you as you walk. . . .under stars.

    How about crimson sun? runaway sun?

    Fifth line from bottom. . . . nice alliteration and depth.

    If you want it light, I'd go with sweet soil and dark dirt, but if you want it deep, maybe felt its depth many times. . .

    Check eloquent in spell check. . .

    Nice. Sweet moment. I think I feel your appreciation for where you are. Pat

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