The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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FANTASY OF LOVE

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Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 371
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

FANTASY OF LOVE

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Oct 25, 2018 5:27 pm

Trying for a simple, sweet love poem.  If I add a line in stanza one about "widow" would it confine the poem too much?  All suggestions appreciated.  Dewell

FANTACY OF LOVE

Open window
Morning stretch
Unscheduled day.

I think --- some man
Sitting on the empty side
Of my bed,
What would he do---

He'd tap my arm
We'd both laugh.

I think if there were a man
Who cared, the dusty vase
On my night stand
Would hold a fresh rose
That he put there to surprise me.

And I, instead of sitting alone
In the morning sun
This man and I would
Pour juice, make coffee
Sit outside holding hands.

I would remember the twilight
Of his face, always.

   -Dewell H. Byrd
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Karen

Posts : 309
Join date : 2014-10-25
Age : 64
Location : North Little Rock

Re: FANTASY OF LOVE

Post  Karen on Thu Oct 25, 2018 8:45 pm

First things first.  I know you're a man, so I thought momentarily the first person in the poem was male.  Submission/publication as D. Byrd might prevent the reader from wandering astray at the get-go.

A widow myself, I would find an announcement of WIDOW! a bit off-putting.  That being said, you speak very well for this point of view.  You make me grateful for the man who taps my own arm. 

I am not a fan of the title.  Perhaps you could hit on something that suggests next time or even if ever?  Your protagonist could well be any woman alone who wishes she were not.

Pat

Posts : 665
Join date : 2011-09-12

Fantasy of Love

Post  Pat on Sun Oct 28, 2018 2:26 pm

Dewell, I think you misspelled fantasy in title unless you are being tricky.

Maybe the title could be:  What If...

Here's what I want you to say at the beginning of stanza 2:  What if a man (instead of some man...)

Oh, I like the first stanza.  I know it is the beginning of the day.

Stanza 4, line one:  I'd consider deleting that line.  Next line:  The dusty vase....
line 5:  I lobby for dropping first two words.

The woman might be single? married? Widow? Divorced?  Messed with your stanza:

Instead of sitting alone
In the morning sun,
we'd pour juice, make coffee,
sit outside
and hold hands. 

No future needed for me.  I'd stop the poem with hands.


Maybe let it end there....  
It's just a fantasy.
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tsukany

Posts : 615
Join date : 2011-05-21

Tweak a Title

Post  tsukany on Mon Oct 29, 2018 10:47 am

Dewell

For me the title is not as strong as the poem.  I wonder if you can hint there to the status of the persona.  

I don't need to know the circumstances of the persona.  I think the reader can insert his or her details to personalize the narrative (and the poem not be guilty of some weak closure).  I like the poem (with attention placed on its title)

Todd

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