The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


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Full moons, rising moons. So you get another nursing home poem.

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Pat

Posts : 671
Join date : 2011-09-12

Full moons, rising moons. So you get another nursing home poem.

Post  Pat on Thu Nov 29, 2018 10:52 pm

How many risings can a poem tolerate?  Help me. . . however you can.  You see what I cannot.  Thanks. 


In the Nursing Home

May, late afternoon. She’s lucid.
I memorize every sweet word.
She notices a fly—zooming, rising.

In this extreme state of clarity,
I don’t want to leave.
She calls my name more than once.
It’s like a light clicked on.

Nothing amiss:
she asks me to water the philodendron,
recalls a friend joking at the dining table.
Everything, just right as it is.

But then,
hours after I left the nursing home,
without consulting me, she left this world.

Her room looks the same
as I gaze around—newspapers
and circle-the-word books piled high,
clock and radio in place.
The plant, rising.

A housekeeper peeks in.
She hopes to sweep and mop soon.
I understand but will not be hurried.

I am grounded in a boundless deep
as I finger, fold, pack
my mother’s things.

When carrying the last box outside,
I note the flutter of a butterfly,
then the flag, rising in the wind.
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tsukany

Posts : 619
Join date : 2011-05-21

Part I and Part II

Post  tsukany on Sat Dec 01, 2018 9:04 am

Pat

I wonder if you need a John Han approach.  Part I ends with the glorious line "she left this world"  (so powerful!!!)

I'm not totally convinced of the title yet (especially since the power part involve not being there.)

Bless you for such fine writing

Todd

Pat

Posts : 671
Join date : 2011-09-12

What if I come up with a new title?

Post  Pat on Sat Dec 01, 2018 10:14 pm

Maybe:   She Left the Nursing Home
I like the idea of Part I and Part II.  Easy to do.
Thank you for the feedback.

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 374
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 87
Location : Central Point, OR

In The Nursing Home

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sun Dec 02, 2018 8:43 pm

Marshmallow title.
This fine poem deserves better.

Maybe put the power in line one:
She left this world without consulting me...

delete... as it is...

I would love an ending with the butterfly...

Fine work as usual.

Dewell

Pat

Posts : 671
Join date : 2011-09-12

I agree, Dewell. Marshmallow title. . .

Post  Pat on Sun Dec 02, 2018 10:21 pm

Changing it.  Maybe to:  She Left This World.
as it is:  gone
Also deleted half of another line:  as I gaze around
Dropped flag, ending with butterfly/ rising in the wind.
Thank you!!!  Both of you!  Helpful.
I like it broken into 2 parts.

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