The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Just fooling around - over 55 poem.

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Just fooling around - over 55 poem.

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed May 30, 2012 11:03 am

    Just fooling around looking for an easy-read poem for the Senior Center folk.

    What do you think?

    UNTITLED POEM

    I worry that the damage is done---

    I cannot unfurrow my brow.

    The lines that fashioned my engaging smile

    seem permanently engraved in leather.

    Crows feet that wrinkle and crinkle

    can no longer be hidden by mascars.

    My arching neck he loved to kiss

    is now graced by a turkey's wattle.

    My once acute hearing

    is replaced with a knowing smile and nod.

    I worry that the damage is done---

    I cannot find a decent title for this poem.

    Dewell

    (How do I get this poem typed into couplets?)
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I copied the text, pasted, and then deleted the space between the lines. :)

    Post  tsukany on Fri Jun 01, 2012 6:22 am

    Can the lines be more metrical and humorous for a public reading? (Like the wrinkle/crinkle line) Stronger, hyperbolic verbs too. Great fun to reveal the persona along the poem's journey.


    No Fooling Around

    I worry that the damage is done---
    I cannot unfurrow my brow.

    my engaging smile is a line
    engraved in leather.

    Crows feet that wrinkle and crinkle
    can no longer be hidden by mascars. (play on mascara)

    My arching neck he loved to kiss
    is now graced by a turkey's wattle. (this is one of my favorite images)

    My once acute hearing
    is replaced with a knowing smile and nod.

    I worry that the damage is done---
    I cannot unfurrow my brow

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Dewell, this is a rewrite. I hit the wrong button!

    Post  Pat on Mon Jun 04, 2012 5:30 pm

    Playful. all the way through. I like what you are attempting to do here. Couplets would be nice. And Todd's title is good. Either No Fooling Around or No Fooling. Todd made it into couplets. . . easier to read. And he took your verbs and made them more active. Also he kept the nouns and ideas. Excellent.

    I think what light verse does is rhyme, meter and repetition. When pressed to write one, I usually will read 10 that I consider pretty good and figure out what they are doing. I do this research because this is not what comes naturally to me.

    Keeper lines: wrinkle and crinkle (might add tinkle to it : ) just for cuteness. unfurrow my brow (assonance) and turkey's wattle. Actually, it's all about laughing at ourselves and the human nature.

    I think you could say even one more time: I worry that the damage is done.

    i can identify and that's what makes it funny! Thank you, Pat

    Dennis20
    Guest

    Just fooling aroung

    Post  Dennis20 on Tue Jun 12, 2012 10:20 am

     

    Dewell,  Todd showed you what you had done without knowing it.  You had the thoughts--couplets usually compare or oppose each other. His title or Pat's was good.  I thought, "Looking at myself"  or "Look at you (or me) now" would be fitting.  You are speaking to seniors so that would fit.  Good thoughts for seniors.  Dennis

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