Not sure if this is better or not.

Renee

I request two (re)versions (neither one we need to see necessarily).  the first is from third person only (she she she) and the other from the "I" of the poem.  I realize that this is a reflection poem between "me, myself, and I" but as a reader I get lost in the voices.

I lobby that the title lose "Imprisoned."

Good work!!

TS

Renee, my computer is cutting out on me.  
I think where we, the readers, are missing it might be absolutely clear to you.
I remember when I read this as an abuse poem.  
What I'm wondering is this:  is this all going on in the persona's head? or are there 2 people?
If abuse, then we need to know it's a survival technique. 
I'm not sure if it's a pronoun issue or maybe there are missing pieces we need to better understand the poem.  If so, will you trust us enough to give them to us?  
I can tell you are FOR the one locked up. How are you carried long distances away? And she grows tiny.  How? Is this literal or can this be happening in the mind?
What is the story you tell yourself about each person?  The story behind the poem... 
This stuff actually happens in the mind to lots of abuse victims.  That's why I keep coming back to it. (1 out of 3 girls;  1 out of 4 boys) 
If this does not fit, that's fine...ignore me...forgive me.  Just trying to get the story so the reader is not confused. 
You have a hot topic here, Renee, that readers will care about.
I am hooked and want to know more.

Thanks for the feedback. I think I tried something beyond my skill level. 

One of my friends read this poem as an anxiety poem (the jailer was anxiety), but I meant it as an emotional/verbal abuse poem. 

I'm not sure if this is too much information, but maybe a little background will help. Do I just try to add more perspective/details? Maybe this isn't a poem but a short story?

Yes, Pat, I (the speaker) am FOR the girl in the jail. I can't understand why she won't leave when the door is unlocked. Something else must be holding her there. 

 I want her to break free from both the physical boundary of their house (leave him!) and the emotional bondage she had/has to him ("Can't you see he is emotionally manipulating you?" - me).

One day when I was just broken up about my sister's marriage, I was trying to create an image to how I felt. I felt like when she rejected my help, words, etc, I was pushed away, carried away. I imagined a wave made of sand, carrying me far away. But still, I can see her in that unlocked jail. She goes to her jailer for comfort (when I was a little too honest about how I wanted her to leave him). She confides in him, who doesn't have her best interest at heart.

Eventually, I hear her cry out for help, and I come running again, hoping this time is different. Hoping this time she leaves him. (Thankfully she has, but it was/is a painful process.)

I like your suggestion, Sukany, to remove the "Imprisoned" in the title. That makes sense.

I'm not sure how to make two poems, but I can try it. I want to show how the girl in the prison affects me as a bystander. It hurts so much to see her get hurt over and over again.

I'm messing with your poem a good bit.  If I'm off, just remember, it's your image, your story.  Do it your way.  
Renee, this is codependency poem. 

Codependent people will be able to follow your drift. I know this is vulnerable and painful, but that's why it is a gut grabber. If you don't want to say sister, say friend or give her another name.  However, sister is powerful.  We know that bond.

Thanks for sharing the story behind the poem.  Makes it easier for me to help you.  It's a universal poem.
I like the couplets and the shortness.

Take what you like and leave the rest.


renee.barger
Posts : 80

Cell Not Locked


I hold open the jail door to help her,
but she retreats into the arms of her jailer.


She rejects the open door. I rise up
and let the land carry me far away.


She grows tiny, but my eagle eyes watch her
cower in the shadows as he berates her.


My cries echo throughout the valley.
Surely she hears.


Her weak voice flows through thick silence,
“Help.”


She is my sister. I hurry back over sand dunes 
to hold the door open.

I want her life
to begin.

Thank you both so much for your feedback and help. Editing this poem scares me, because I don't want to mess up something that is so personal and vulnerable. Thank you for your version of the poem. I really, really liked a lot of what you did. You didn't change that much and yet it gave the poem so much more life.  I really liked adding "she is my sister." I am asking my sister for permission to say that since I only have two sisters and people could figure it out. 

I was debating over the word "berate" in stanza 3. I know I chose it, but I saw him ignore her and woo her more than berate her. I got to thinking about how after I would "let the land take me away," I wouldn't hear anything from her for ages. I am playing with cutting that stanza entirely. Does this take away anything from the message?

In a Cell Not Locked


I hold open the jail door,
but she retreats into the arms of her jailer.


She rejects the open door. I rise up <-- I really really like how you split up this sentence. I hadn't thought to do that!!
and let the land carry me far away.


My cries echo throughout the valley.
Surely she hears.


A weak voice crawls through the thick silence,
“Help.”


She is my sister. I hurry back over sand dunes
to hold open the door.


Maybe this time, she’ll walk through the door.


_____________
By Renee Barger
August 7, 2019

North Kansas City

You may not need berate. 
That's the verbal part.
I like it.
If you can't use sister, try friend.
The good stuff happens in the hard areas for me where I'm uncomfortable.  It's the growing place for me, but you have to deal with family too.  
I have sister poems too.  I know the dilemma.
Glad you kept going with it.  
Good job.

Thanks so much. I'm gonna let it simmer again.

simmering is when I think it  cools down and we get fresh eyes.