Is this humorous? A bit long, but I wanted to stay with couplets. . .

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Is this humorous? A bit long, but I wanted to stay with couplets. . .

Post  Pat on Fri Jun 29, 2012 7:04 am

any thoughts appreciated. . . .



A Two-Hour Lunch Break



Twelve-thirty p.m.

My husband and I stop in El Paso,



Arkansas at a small post office

to mail a large envelope.



Money and mail-out in hand,

I confront a sign on the door:



Open Monday – Saturday

Lunch: 12:00 – 2:00 p.m.



I don’t mutter but do a half-spin

and return to the car.



There, we conjure up

what a postmaster



might do on his long

double-decker lunch break:



maybe eat and nap or perhaps

shop for hay nearer to Cabot,



time enough to watch news

and pick peas, corn and pods.



Maybe enough time for a rendez-vous

or perhaps the secret hour allows



for contemplating spiders at work.

So what can anyone do



in a one-horse-town

with a two-hour-lunch break?



All that said, we groped our way

toward Ina, hoping to find a body



in a flag waving nest—someone

brainy and nervy, ready to guard



letters, but mostly, someone

addicted to selling stamps.

Pat

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I adjusted the format and made a comment or two

Post  tsukany on Fri Jun 29, 2012 9:40 pm

A Two-Hour Lunch Break (Did you steal the punch with the title?)

Twelve-thirty p.m.
My husband and I stop in El Paso,

Arkansas at a small post office
to mail a large envelope. (this seems natural...why state it?)

Money and mail-out in hand, (necessary detail?)
I confront a sign on the door:

Open Monday – Saturday (Since lunch is the conflict, do you need this line?)
Lunch: 12:00 – 2:00 p.m.

I don’t mutter but do a half-spin
and return to the car.

There, we conjure up
what a postmaster

might do on his long
double-decker lunch break:

maybe eat and nap or perhaps
shop for hay nearer to Cabot,

time enough to watch news
and pick peas, corn and pods.

Maybe enough time for a rendez-vous ("or two"...might add more mischief)
or perhaps the secret hour allows (This line seems empty after the previous line)

for contemplating spiders at work.
So what can anyone do

in a one-horse-town
with a two-hour-lunch break?

All that said, we groped our way
toward Ina, hoping to find a body

in a flag waving nest—someone (I'm not sure I get this line)
brainy and nervy, ready to guard

letters, but mostly, someone
addicted to selling stamps.

Pat


Last edited by tsukany on Wed Jul 04, 2012 9:07 pm; edited 1 time in total
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any thoughts appreciated

Post  Dennis20 on Wed Jul 04, 2012 7:16 am

I feel your pain, have a PO near me that does this very thing.  I don't like the dangle of El Paso and then AR on the next line. It doesn't flow as well as if you left AR off the next line. Maybe put it with El Paso.  Of course, that would change the line length. I thought it redundant to have the lines "so what can anyone do in a one-horse-town with a two-hour-lunch break?" You have named possibilities.  Those lines should preceed all the things you name.  I first thought you were referring to a mailbox with a bird in it there at the close. (nest) It is a believable picture.  Good!

Dennis20
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Your comments were so helpful. I redid the poem.

Post  Pat on Thu Jul 05, 2012 3:36 pm

Far more pleased with it. Thank you, Pat

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Unusual Request

Post  tsukany on Thu Jul 05, 2012 9:10 pm

Hey Pat...can you share your revision? Smile Todd
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And here is the revision. All comments/editing welcome.

Post  Pat on Fri Jul 06, 2012 8:04 am

A Two-Hour Break



Twelve-thirty p.m.

My husband and I park at the small



post office in El Paso, Arkansas.

I read a sign on the door:



Lunch: 12:00 – 2:00 p.m.

I don’t mutter but do a half-spin



and hurry back to the car.

So what can anyone actually do



in a one-horse-town

during a two-hour mid-day break?



Winding our way north,

we conjure up ways a postmaster



might spend a double-decker break:

maybe trying to make a comeback



in the kitchen? or perhaps drive past

chalky exhausted fields, looking for hay?



Guess he could cut hair, catch-up

or hold court from his front porch. That



and pick peas, corn and pods.

Maybe even time enough



to donate blood or have a rendez-vous

or two. That said, we calmed



and groped our way around and over hills

toward Ina, hoping to find one person



in a tiny post office, wanting

to avoid anything with a thrill,



wishing only to please, guard letters

and sell stamps.

Pat

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Pat's P.O. Poem

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Jul 06, 2012 12:01 pm

Pat, I like this revision... also enjoyed the flag/nest image in first version.

This last couplet leaves a somewhat "ragged" feeling. I guess I liked some of the first version that now rests on the cutting room floor: a sense of hot, sweaty, fly trap staleness of a two hour respite in a government building. Your new version does seem more formal... less small town ish. Dewell

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