The Last Friday

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    Is this humorous? A bit long, but I wanted to stay with couplets. . .

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    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Is this humorous? A bit long, but I wanted to stay with couplets. . .

    Post  Pat on Fri Jun 29, 2012 7:04 am

    any thoughts appreciated. . . .



    A Two-Hour Lunch Break



    Twelve-thirty p.m.

    My husband and I stop in El Paso,



    Arkansas at a small post office

    to mail a large envelope.



    Money and mail-out in hand,

    I confront a sign on the door:



    Open Monday – Saturday

    Lunch: 12:00 – 2:00 p.m.



    I don’t mutter but do a half-spin

    and return to the car.



    There, we conjure up

    what a postmaster



    might do on his long

    double-decker lunch break:



    maybe eat and nap or perhaps

    shop for hay nearer to Cabot,



    time enough to watch news

    and pick peas, corn and pods.



    Maybe enough time for a rendez-vous

    or perhaps the secret hour allows



    for contemplating spiders at work.

    So what can anyone do



    in a one-horse-town

    with a two-hour-lunch break?



    All that said, we groped our way

    toward Ina, hoping to find a body



    in a flag waving nest—someone

    brainy and nervy, ready to guard



    letters, but mostly, someone

    addicted to selling stamps.
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I adjusted the format and made a comment or two

    Post  tsukany on Fri Jun 29, 2012 9:40 pm

    A Two-Hour Lunch Break (Did you steal the punch with the title?)

    Twelve-thirty p.m.
    My husband and I stop in El Paso,

    Arkansas at a small post office
    to mail a large envelope. (this seems natural...why state it?)

    Money and mail-out in hand, (necessary detail?)
    I confront a sign on the door:

    Open Monday – Saturday (Since lunch is the conflict, do you need this line?)
    Lunch: 12:00 – 2:00 p.m.

    I don’t mutter but do a half-spin
    and return to the car.

    There, we conjure up
    what a postmaster

    might do on his long
    double-decker lunch break:

    maybe eat and nap or perhaps
    shop for hay nearer to Cabot,

    time enough to watch news
    and pick peas, corn and pods.

    Maybe enough time for a rendez-vous ("or two"...might add more mischief)
    or perhaps the secret hour allows (This line seems empty after the previous line)

    for contemplating spiders at work.
    So what can anyone do

    in a one-horse-town
    with a two-hour-lunch break?

    All that said, we groped our way
    toward Ina, hoping to find a body

    in a flag waving nest—someone (I'm not sure I get this line)
    brainy and nervy, ready to guard

    letters, but mostly, someone
    addicted to selling stamps.

    Pat


    Last edited by tsukany on Wed Jul 04, 2012 9:07 pm; edited 1 time in total

    Dennis20
    Guest

    any thoughts appreciated

    Post  Dennis20 on Wed Jul 04, 2012 7:16 am

    I feel your pain, have a PO near me that does this very thing.  I don't like the dangle of El Paso and then AR on the next line. It doesn't flow as well as if you left AR off the next line. Maybe put it with El Paso.  Of course, that would change the line length. I thought it redundant to have the lines "so what can anyone do in a one-horse-town with a two-hour-lunch break?" You have named possibilities.  Those lines should preceed all the things you name.  I first thought you were referring to a mailbox with a bird in it there at the close. (nest) It is a believable picture.  Good!

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Your comments were so helpful. I redid the poem.

    Post  Pat on Thu Jul 05, 2012 3:36 pm

    Far more pleased with it. Thank you, Pat
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Unusual Request

    Post  tsukany on Thu Jul 05, 2012 9:10 pm

    Hey Pat...can you share your revision? Smile Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    And here is the revision. All comments/editing welcome.

    Post  Pat on Fri Jul 06, 2012 8:04 am

    A Two-Hour Break



    Twelve-thirty p.m.

    My husband and I park at the small



    post office in El Paso, Arkansas.

    I read a sign on the door:



    Lunch: 12:00 – 2:00 p.m.

    I don’t mutter but do a half-spin



    and hurry back to the car.

    So what can anyone actually do



    in a one-horse-town

    during a two-hour mid-day break?



    Winding our way north,

    we conjure up ways a postmaster



    might spend a double-decker break:

    maybe trying to make a comeback



    in the kitchen? or perhaps drive past

    chalky exhausted fields, looking for hay?



    Guess he could cut hair, catch-up

    or hold court from his front porch. That



    and pick peas, corn and pods.

    Maybe even time enough



    to donate blood or have a rendez-vous

    or two. That said, we calmed



    and groped our way around and over hills

    toward Ina, hoping to find one person



    in a tiny post office, wanting

    to avoid anything with a thrill,



    wishing only to please, guard letters

    and sell stamps.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Pat's P.O. Poem

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Jul 06, 2012 12:01 pm

    Pat, I like this revision... also enjoyed the flag/nest image in first version.

    This last couplet leaves a somewhat "ragged" feeling. I guess I liked some of the first version that now rests on the cutting room floor: a sense of hot, sweaty, fly trap staleness of a two hour respite in a government building. Your new version does seem more formal... less small town ish. Dewell

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