The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    does the rest of the poem follow the first two lines?

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    dennis20
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    does the rest of the poem follow the first two lines?

    Post  dennis20 on Wed Jul 04, 2012 7:47 pm

     

    The title and first two lines belong to Whitman. Does the rest of the poem follow the thoughts?  Thanks Dennis

     

    To You

     

    STRANGER! if you, passing, meet me, and desire to speak to me, why should you
    not speak to me?
    And why should I not speak to you?


    The gesture human, passion between kindred spirits.

    A flame ignites where universe meets universe

    each heart singing when meeting another, assuming

    what the other thinks and observes as commonalities.

    And each breathe the same air, intoxicated

    by the sky, and  inspired with the beating hearts

    within kindred breasts and smell the green leaves,

    the rich dirt, and know they are part of it.  Speak.

    And a stranger no longer.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    My two cents

    Post  tsukany on Wed Jul 04, 2012 9:01 pm

    Dennis

    I like the poem. I think the content matches. However, I think the diction you used is more formal than Whitman's. It might be fun to match him in sentence construction and vocabulary.

    Thanks for sharing and this is a good platform from which to create.

    Todd

    Dennis20
    Guest

    does the rest

    Post  Dennis20 on Wed Jul 04, 2012 9:16 pm

    Thanks Todd. I may try to work on that and see how it comes out.

    Dennis20
    Guest

    A rewrite of it

    Post  Dennis20 on Wed Jul 04, 2012 9:58 pm

    Todd,  I rewrote it more like Whitman would have written.  How does this look and sound?

    To You

    STRANGER! if you, passing, meet me, and desire to speak to me, why should you

    not speak to me?

    And why should I not speak to you?

    After all, it’s a human gesture,

    a passion between kindred spirits. 

    It’s a flame ignited where universe

    meets universe causing each heart to sing out

    when meeting  and then

    consider what the other is thinking;

    hoping for a common tie.

    As each of us breathes the same air,

    is intoxicated by the same sky,

    and is inspired, our kindred hearts beat

    with the smell of the green leaves,

    the rich dirt, and know we are a part

    of the whole.  Speak then,

    and be a stranger no more.

     
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    oooh ya

    Post  tsukany on Wed Jul 04, 2012 11:07 pm

    So much more silky. Wonderful.

    Pat

    Posts : 630
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I understand the second rendition more easily.

    Post  Pat on Thu Jul 05, 2012 3:34 pm

    Thanks for making the changes.

    Other thoughts: Might want to remind us again: Speaking to one another is a flame. . . . (like Whitman does the why word.) As you know, I lean toward keeping it simple (though I get wordy): how about a period after meeting? And then, why not consider what I'm thinking? (using Whitman's word.) Why not hope for a common tie between you and me? He keeps it personal: you and me. I'd carry those pronouns through.

    I like green leaves and dirt. All the imagery.

    I am reminded of a T. Kooser poem where Kooser meets someone on the street he thinks he knows, they agonize about it, but they do not speak. . . for fear they will not be remembered. Goes something like that. . . . That too was a powerful poem. This is more of an invitation. Leaves a sweetness in the mouth.

    Pat

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Dennis and Whitman

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Jul 06, 2012 12:12 pm

    I like it. Reads smooth like a fine muscadine wine. End line is more direct, almost commanding and therefore feels forced to me. Think about softening it a bit. I like the "...this might be..." feeling I get as I read the poem again. Dewell

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