does the rest of the poem follow the first two lines?

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does the rest of the poem follow the first two lines?

Post  dennis20 on Wed Jul 04, 2012 7:47 pm

 

The title and first two lines belong to Whitman. Does the rest of the poem follow the thoughts?  Thanks Dennis

 

To You

 

STRANGER! if you, passing, meet me, and desire to speak to me, why should you
not speak to me?
And why should I not speak to you?


The gesture human, passion between kindred spirits.

A flame ignites where universe meets universe

each heart singing when meeting another, assuming

what the other thinks and observes as commonalities.

And each breathe the same air, intoxicated

by the sky, and  inspired with the beating hearts

within kindred breasts and smell the green leaves,

the rich dirt, and know they are part of it.  Speak.

And a stranger no longer.

dennis20
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My two cents

Post  tsukany on Wed Jul 04, 2012 9:01 pm

Dennis

I like the poem. I think the content matches. However, I think the diction you used is more formal than Whitman's. It might be fun to match him in sentence construction and vocabulary.

Thanks for sharing and this is a good platform from which to create.

Todd
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does the rest

Post  Dennis20 on Wed Jul 04, 2012 9:16 pm

Thanks Todd. I may try to work on that and see how it comes out.

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A rewrite of it

Post  Dennis20 on Wed Jul 04, 2012 9:58 pm

Todd,  I rewrote it more like Whitman would have written.  How does this look and sound?

To You

STRANGER! if you, passing, meet me, and desire to speak to me, why should you

not speak to me?

And why should I not speak to you?

After all, it’s a human gesture,

a passion between kindred spirits. 

It’s a flame ignited where universe

meets universe causing each heart to sing out

when meeting  and then

consider what the other is thinking;

hoping for a common tie.

As each of us breathes the same air,

is intoxicated by the same sky,

and is inspired, our kindred hearts beat

with the smell of the green leaves,

the rich dirt, and know we are a part

of the whole.  Speak then,

and be a stranger no more.

 

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oooh ya

Post  tsukany on Wed Jul 04, 2012 11:07 pm

So much more silky. Wonderful.
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I understand the second rendition more easily.

Post  Pat on Thu Jul 05, 2012 3:34 pm

Thanks for making the changes.

Other thoughts: Might want to remind us again: Speaking to one another is a flame. . . . (like Whitman does the why word.) As you know, I lean toward keeping it simple (though I get wordy): how about a period after meeting? And then, why not consider what I'm thinking? (using Whitman's word.) Why not hope for a common tie between you and me? He keeps it personal: you and me. I'd carry those pronouns through.

I like green leaves and dirt. All the imagery.

I am reminded of a T. Kooser poem where Kooser meets someone on the street he thinks he knows, they agonize about it, but they do not speak. . . for fear they will not be remembered. Goes something like that. . . . That too was a powerful poem. This is more of an invitation. Leaves a sweetness in the mouth.

Pat

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Dennis and Whitman

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Jul 06, 2012 12:12 pm

I like it. Reads smooth like a fine muscadine wine. End line is more direct, almost commanding and therefore feels forced to me. Think about softening it a bit. I like the "...this might be..." feeling I get as I read the poem again. Dewell

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