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    Is this possibly two poems?

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Is this possibly two poems?

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Jul 06, 2012 11:41 am

    My lovely wife of 61 years thinks this may be two poems.

    However, it is my turn to be right. I appreciate your suggestions... D. (Stanzas are three lines except last stanza is only two lines.)

    Storm Clouds Gathering

    The weather-guesser opines

    a storm front sloughing in

    from the coast by nightfall.

    A scientist at heart, he sees

    no morning glory sky backlight

    to the southbound honking V

    or sparrows dressed for tea

    gathering near the feeder with

    one eye scanning for hawks

    nor leaves giving up their hold,

    spiraling toward the hammock,

    carpeting fresh-cut lawn.

    A businessman tunes to

    the weather forecast over

    his jet’s roar--- fading contrail

    points to Seattle where the

    cantaloupe sky rinds to marry

    the night and the sea.

    Storm clouds gathering, worn prayer beads----

    winter builds a spider‘s web.

    -Dewell H. Byrd
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    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Reformatted

    Post  tsukany on Sat Jul 07, 2012 4:50 pm

    Storm Clouds Gathering

    The weather-guesser opines
    a storm front sloughing in
    from the coast by nightfall.

    A scientist at heart, he sees
    no morning glory sky backlight
    to the southbound honking V

    or sparrows dressed for tea
    gathering near the feeder with
    one eye scanning for hawks

    nor leaves giving up their hold,
    spiraling toward the hammock,
    carpeting fresh-cut lawn.

    A businessman tunes to
    the weather forecast over
    his jet’s roar--- fading contrail

    points to Seattle where the
    cantaloupe sky rinds to marry
    the night and the sea.

    Storm clouds gathering, worn prayer beads----
    winter builds a spider‘s web.

    -Dewell H. Byrd

    dennis20
    Guest

    looks like it is

    Post  dennis20 on Sat Jul 07, 2012 5:06 pm

     

    Dewell,  It looks like you changed subjects at the line "A business man...  Up until then you are talking about the weatherman/scientist and what he says and sees.  Here you shift to the business man, jet trail, cantaloupe sky, and it appears you are using rinds as a verb. It seems you are going good until you get to the business man and then it get fuzzy. I would also suggest the format supplied by  Todd.  I get lost trying to read it like you presented.  Of course, if no one else is reading it... Hope this helps.  Dennis 

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 356
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Is this possibly two poems?

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Jul 07, 2012 5:19 pm

    Thanks, Dennis... that is helpful. I think I'll delete the business man and extend the weatherman along with a different ending... will share product. Dewell
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 592
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I can live with it

    Post  tsukany on Sun Jul 08, 2012 7:17 am

    Dewell

    I can live with two examples of professionals ignoring the splendor of nature in one poem. For me the rub is the diction. "Opines" and "contrail" are so technical and don't reward the reader with the effort to look up the unfamiliar vocab. The images you paint are clear and simple. I vote for all vocab to be the same.

    I didn't see a web being built by the descriptors either. The ending seemed like it came from "outta the clear blue sky." I look forward to seeing a revision of this one. Smile

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