Is this possibly two poems?

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Is this possibly two poems?

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Jul 06, 2012 11:41 am

My lovely wife of 61 years thinks this may be two poems.

However, it is my turn to be right. I appreciate your suggestions... D. (Stanzas are three lines except last stanza is only two lines.)

Storm Clouds Gathering

The weather-guesser opines

a storm front sloughing in

from the coast by nightfall.

A scientist at heart, he sees

no morning glory sky backlight

to the southbound honking V

or sparrows dressed for tea

gathering near the feeder with

one eye scanning for hawks

nor leaves giving up their hold,

spiraling toward the hammock,

carpeting fresh-cut lawn.

A businessman tunes to

the weather forecast over

his jet’s roar--- fading contrail

points to Seattle where the

cantaloupe sky rinds to marry

the night and the sea.

Storm clouds gathering, worn prayer beads----

winter builds a spider‘s web.

-Dewell H. Byrd

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Reformatted

Post  tsukany on Sat Jul 07, 2012 4:50 pm

Storm Clouds Gathering

The weather-guesser opines
a storm front sloughing in
from the coast by nightfall.

A scientist at heart, he sees
no morning glory sky backlight
to the southbound honking V

or sparrows dressed for tea
gathering near the feeder with
one eye scanning for hawks

nor leaves giving up their hold,
spiraling toward the hammock,
carpeting fresh-cut lawn.

A businessman tunes to
the weather forecast over
his jet’s roar--- fading contrail

points to Seattle where the
cantaloupe sky rinds to marry
the night and the sea.

Storm clouds gathering, worn prayer beads----
winter builds a spider‘s web.

-Dewell H. Byrd
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looks like it is

Post  dennis20 on Sat Jul 07, 2012 5:06 pm

 

Dewell,  It looks like you changed subjects at the line "A business man...  Up until then you are talking about the weatherman/scientist and what he says and sees.  Here you shift to the business man, jet trail, cantaloupe sky, and it appears you are using rinds as a verb. It seems you are going good until you get to the business man and then it get fuzzy. I would also suggest the format supplied by  Todd.  I get lost trying to read it like you presented.  Of course, if no one else is reading it... Hope this helps.  Dennis 

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Is this possibly two poems?

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Jul 07, 2012 5:19 pm

Thanks, Dennis... that is helpful. I think I'll delete the business man and extend the weatherman along with a different ending... will share product. Dewell

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I can live with it

Post  tsukany on Sun Jul 08, 2012 7:17 am

Dewell

I can live with two examples of professionals ignoring the splendor of nature in one poem. For me the rub is the diction. "Opines" and "contrail" are so technical and don't reward the reader with the effort to look up the unfamiliar vocab. The images you paint are clear and simple. I vote for all vocab to be the same.

I didn't see a web being built by the descriptors either. The ending seemed like it came from "outta the clear blue sky." I look forward to seeing a revision of this one. Smile
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