The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    I'm striving for present day beauty and historical significance. I tried stanzas and didn't like it. Open to any help. Slice and dice. Thanks, Pat

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    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I'm striving for present day beauty and historical significance. I tried stanzas and didn't like it. Open to any help. Slice and dice. Thanks, Pat

    Post  Pat on Thu Aug 30, 2012 6:42 pm

    Ozark Mountains



    Those who say the Ozarks

    make them dizzy with its grandfather

    mountains and twisting roads must not

    have looked at the majestic bluffs—

    soaring cathedrals—hosting the moon

    and its light, the boulders they shoulder,

    outcroppings upriver or peaks where

    heaven meets earth in a golden October

    glow. Surely they have not seen the caves

    swallowed up inside cliffs, havens

    with low ceilings hanging ominously.

    The caverns here housed history:

    baskets of corn, bowls for mush

    and pine nuts, slabs of dried venison,

    rattles, drums, flutes, pipes, water jars.

    These mountains held enticing odors

    from pots steaming over fires and sheltered

    clans from howling, unforgiving winds

    tearing through treetops like wild rivers

    that flood, gush and roar through valleys

    making us mountain folks stop, rake

    our dreams together in a pile, sit still

    and listen for direction from echoes

    of voices whirling until the morning fog

    hanging over hollers burns off.

    Then anyone with half an eye can see

    white dogwoods growing wild

    and valleys reverently staring up

    at the mountain ranges

    riding high.



    Pat Durmon, 2012

    Dennis20
    Guest

    I'm striving for

    Post  Dennis20 on Thu Aug 30, 2012 8:28 pm

    Pat,   Good poem with good imagery that dips and dives up hill and down with caves and caverns under sky and earth that looms with sunshine and shadows of past and present from outcroppings and clifts, light of the moon and October glow, havens and heaven amid ordors from baskets of corn, pine nuts, rattles, drums, flutes, and water jars that steam over fires and sheltered clans.  I am going to take a breath here.  I couldn't in your poem.  You didn't let me slow down enough to grasp the pictures.  You were slinging them at me too fast.  Get the point!  The thoughts and pics are good but you run them on and on.  I'll bet the stanzas would have had more punctuations and would have slowed it down some. Work with it. Try to cut the lines down and limit the images in each line. Otherwise, I like it!
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Snipping

    Post  tsukany on Fri Aug 31, 2012 12:42 pm

    Pat.

    I think stanzas will help. For me, the energy begins with the caves swallowed by mountains. I wonder if that could be the poem. I think should try a version where all the transitionary commentary is removed..."Those who...." Just describe the mountains.

    I longed for an ending that took me somewhere. Image poems still need to help me question: "So much depends...."

    I would cut the redundancy too..."havens with low...."

    I do love our poems. Thanks for sharing.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I'm working on a new version. . . .

    Post  Pat on Sat Sep 01, 2012 7:12 am

    to see where it goes: stanzas and just mountains. . . .thanks for all suggestions and snips. : )

    Have a great weekend. . . .our flag is flying, our family is high-activity elsewhere, so I have the time and birdsong to do this. Pat

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Pat's OZARK MOUNTAINS

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Sep 03, 2012 2:26 pm

    Yeah! Full of fine images... maybe too many... poem title suggests mountains yet it strays to include too many other elements... example: the line that starts These mountains could work better earlier in the poem and leave out some of the people part... just suggest the people as in an ancient echo that also leads you into the cave part. Most interesting subject well described. Stanzas, please. Dewell

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    Re: I'm striving for present day beauty and historical significance. I tried stanzas and didn't like it. Open to any help. Slice and dice. Thanks, Pat

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