The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Hoping the jump from the title is not too far.

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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Hoping the jump from the title is not too far.

    Post  tsukany on Fri Aug 31, 2012 8:25 am

    I’D RATHER SLIP ON TO ETERNITY

    Like Neil Armstrong descending
    to the moon, backing down the
    ladder, fearing the initial
    contact, in peripheral
    vision, at best,

    perhaps, he wrestled through his
    first words like a teen telling
    mommy she’s to be a
    grandmother

    or like his one small step to share
    the birth of her child with her
    papa and her mother and
    her church family

    maybe they all thought nothing
    ‘cept the surface will
    swallow them up.

    --Sukany 30 Aug 2012

    dennis20
    Guest

    not too far to jump

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Aug 31, 2012 1:29 pm

    Todd,  Like the thought with Neil Armstrong.  So apropos for the moment. I was a little confused with the third para until I reread it about three times.  I went back to the title and could grasp the thought.  I do think there should be a period after "at best"  and "church family." Dennis

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    So he is leaving one planetary body for another body-place?

    Post  Pat on Fri Aug 31, 2012 3:31 pm

    And you are connecting it with you leaving this world? I'm smiling. Never would I think to put those two together. But it's a great concept. I wouldn't think to put those two together, but it works. What fun. Todd, I like the pattern you are using here. . . I see it more and more. Looks planned. And to leave earth and go to the moon or to leave earth and go wherever eternally, it better be planned. : ) Maybe that is not what you meant, but that's where my mind is going with it. So, Neil A is dealing with unknowns when he arrives in this moony world. (Actually, I remember this so well: I was in Indianapolis at my broinlaw's: stayed up late to watch it and hear him say those words. . . small step.... giant leap. . . the hesitancy or slowness of words. . . you captured it.) Let's see if I get this or not: when we leave this world as in dying, an encounter with his mommy ? and tells her she is going to be a grandmother? It's all one small step for man. . . . seems unbelievable but it's a small step to show and tell about a new one. Sweet thought. 3rd stanza: where it says her (so many hers for me/ can you find a way around that? ) One small step to share her child with others. . . are you using so many hers for a syllable count? as repetition? I'd clarify they in 4th stanza: those watching? those with him? Scarey to step into a new world even if you've done everything to prepare. He was in the unknown celestial body, wasn't he. . . . Interesting how the title is "I" and the poem is Neil or he. . . . but the leap for mankind : ) is perhaps the word LIKE. I have no idea how many will connect the two. I read the poem 3 times because I wanted to get everything you were saying. I don't know if I have your understanding of it, but I have enough for me to be happy. I like it. . . . just know it is not a light-weight poem. . . if I'm understanding it accurately. . . am I? Pat

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Todd's nightmare (?) poem? Neil A'strong

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Mon Sep 03, 2012 2:14 pm

    I agree with Dennis and Pat... the title is a stretch... especially at first reading... but reading the poem upside down helped. Marvelous poem... the crisis, the birth, the word search, the similarities. However, that line about church family threw me... I see no hint of that coming and had trouble hooking it to Armstrong.... although the title does pry that door open. Fine work.

    And while I have your attention... "You Guys are just darn good!" Thanks for sharing your work with me. Dewell

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    And I had one last thought. . . .

    Post  Pat on Mon Sep 03, 2012 2:37 pm

    actually been thinking it since I read your poem: a similar poem, I suppose, could be written about Adam and Eve leaving the garden coming into this world. . . . Pat

    WhitneyC
    Guest

    nice!

    Post  WhitneyC on Thu Sep 20, 2012 1:51 pm


    I love the comparison you found between the uncertainty of an unplanned pregnancy and landing on the moon for the first time! I like unique and not overly-used comparisons. It stretches the reader's mind a bit, as all literature should. The commas are a little distracting to me, but that's just my opinion. Great job!

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