Does this flow or have I pressed to hard to make it a sonnet?

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Does this flow or have I pressed to hard to make it a sonnet?

Post  dennis20 on Fri Oct 26, 2012 9:53 pm

The Story

 

I live to hunt the deer in Arkansas

and find the solitude out in the wood

helps keep my sanity.  There is a law

to keep and conservation says I should

take only food I need, not waste the meat.

I find the opportunities arise

when I take books along to read.  Deer cheat

somehow and sense the books divert my eyes

from watching them.  When I look up and see

how close they are I have to make a choice

between the deer and book I have with me.

Sometimes I curse that little inner voice.

Moments become eons, my world suspends,

I choose the deer or how the story ends.

dennis20
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I like it

Post  tsukany on Sat Oct 27, 2012 7:06 am

Dennis

I find it amusingly ironic that we both present sonnets this month. My sense is that you are much farther down the road than I. I think the power of your poem is that the rhyme is not predictable (my peeve about my rhyming works and why I have yet to work rhyme into my sonnet). I think there are a couple places where the syllable count is because of the form (line one and line six). I wasn't a fan of the title until I finished the poem. I love it. I think it brilliant. I think the chronology can be a bit tighter, but I'm not sure that needs to change anything in the poem. I bow to your skill. Smile Thanks for sharing.
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sonnets are as sonnets do

Post  dennis20 on Sat Oct 27, 2012 9:40 pm

Thanks Todd.  We had our state critique for a speaker at the PRA this year. His name is Roger Armbrust and he has a website with some of his sonnets if you like. You can go to his website by punching in "the sonnetteerblogspot.com"     He is a sonnetter and I tried to pick up some pointers from him.  These things do not come easy if you try to make the sentences end somewhere other that at the end of a line.  Also if you try to have a train of thought that can be construed as a free verse by the unsuspecting reader. 

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Dennis And His Sonnet

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Oct 31, 2012 10:57 am

Nice Job, Dennis! Very good sonnet... The narative seems to sag in the middle just a bit but not enough to wander... I could ride right along with you. I enjoyed the conflict of book or deer... Sonnets I don't really know having never tried to write one. Maybe I'll get up enough nerve to try it soon. Thanks for sharing this poem with us. Dewell

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Dennis, I smiled all the way through it. . . .

Post  Pat on Wed Oct 31, 2012 2:28 pm

I think I identify with making the choice of reading or being alert to something I'm suppose to focus on. I like the ending: it can go either way. I am not a writer of sonnets, though I admire those who do this. . . . I think it is well done. I wanted a little fun in the middle of the poem: wondered if you could say eat instead of read. . . . maybe after talking about taking only the meat you need. I do not trust the little I know on meter, so I am without comment on that. I do like the issues at hand and the open ending. Also, you call it a story. . . . nice. Also, the line about cursing the little inner voice. Don't we know it well. Good job in my reality. And thanks for the blog on Roger. I might check it out too. If he is a sonnetteer, no wonder he is not very open to prepositional phrases. Ah ha!. . . . Pat

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Re: Does this flow or have I pressed to hard to make it a sonnet?

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