The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Today I'll Only Attend To Small Things

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 374
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Today I'll Only Attend To Small Things

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Wed Oct 31, 2012 11:16 am

    This is an attempt to return to my comfort zone. I have recently frogged around writing for contests and other poets (somewhat academic) with considerable success. Now I'm trying to get back to bluejeans, backyards, porchswings and sparrows poems where my heart lies. How am I doing with this piece? Dewell

    Today I’ll Only Attend To Small Things



    fix the new poem that craves a comma

    deadhead the Joseph’s Coat rosebush



    check the oil in the car

    sharpen my red carpenter’s pencil



    eat a snickerdoodle, sip green tea

    bread the sparrows that glean my lawn



    close my eyes and count hot air balloons

    “howdy” neighbors as they stroll by



    check the mail box

    hum a simple tune



    take a half-nap in the porch swing

    dream the taste of our first kiss



    remember how lovely it was

    doing small things together



    before you went away



    -Dewell H. Byrd
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    tsukany

    Posts : 619
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Really Nice

    Post  tsukany on Wed Oct 31, 2012 12:10 pm

    I like the offering. It is emotional and sentimental without being a sentimental poem (sentimental poems being overly emotional without any concrete substance/details). Well done and thank you for sharing it.

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I've heard such a poem called a list poem,

    Post  Pat on Wed Oct 31, 2012 2:41 pm

    but your poem is broken into couplets, giving the reader a break here and there. I don't know if other list poems do this or not, but I like what you did. You bookended small things: title and ending. . . pulling it all together. Do you think you need the word rosebush if you are deadheading it? I don't think I, the reader, need it. I really like "bread the sparrows" and "howdy neighbors". Would it be remember or remembering? Three lines from the bottom: would you want a dash there? Might make it easy for the reader. Overall: Sweet. Sweet. Pat

    Dennis20
    Guest

    Just the small things

    Post  Dennis20 on Thu Nov 01, 2012 8:00 am

    Dewell, You gave us trivial. small, daily things that could be mundane and although we all do them, we never think of them in this light.  But, you whomped us up side the head with the BIG "before you went away" at the end.  And yes, it fits into a day, every day, of someone who has had the relationship for years that you painted so subtley.  Nice job.  I liked the "bread the sparrows" but I have never seen a red carpenter's pencil, only yellow ones with black lead. Dennis

    Pat

    Posts : 671
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I too had the same thought as Dennis

    Post  Pat on Thu Nov 01, 2012 8:34 am

    about the capenter's pencil. . . . that is unusual among the ordinary things you list. Forgot to flag it for you. The joys of three of us looking at your work. . . . we see the same things and yet, sometimes differently. Helpful, right? Pat

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