This is too fresh but I want it to sing. Would it be too long to add more detail to image three?

View previous topic View next topic Go down

This is too fresh but I want it to sing. Would it be too long to add more detail to image three?

Post  tsukany on Fri Nov 30, 2012 6:26 am

VETERAN’S DAY 2012

Three barns on the right shadow the road
I travel to the safety of my home. Farthest
from the highway itself, one barn, a skeleton,
looks to have received the hard end
of a Missouri wind thrashing. The west

wall holds strong but three others and the roof
are fatally wounded. The next barn is closest
the road. Its roof has been notarized
by some advertisement from better
economic times, some product that has died

and gone the way of memory. The third is intact,
standing, and proudly wearing its southeast corner
in ivy. All these are destined to relive,
their teens and twenties, through the stories
of the remaining loved ones.

--Sukany 28 Nov 2012
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 508
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Todd's Three Barns

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Dec 01, 2012 12:32 pm

I need to know more about "...loved ones left behind..." Can you give me some hope? Rumors of building a new, fourth, barn? A barn of peace?

I really like the symbolism in this... like each barn representing a vet from a different era, different war. Please share the final product with us. Thanks, Dewell.

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 305
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 86
Location : Central Point, OR

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Fitting title

Post  Pat on Sun Dec 02, 2012 6:19 am

for the depth you are offering: we can see 3 barns or go deeper. All of them still carry light. They kindle and strengthen light in one another. . . . passing the light along. I, for one, think the third image can withstand something about being green to thunderous rains, blowing winds. First barn: has sacrificed parts of the body (skeleton is perfect). . . . sort of affirms the value of being alive. . . and the heart of it may still be alive. Second barn: I like notarized, then I thought of tattooed like the Navy men. . . anyway, I get the picture on the barn. . . what was the barn art/ad? Was it about Bull Durham tobacco or what? Was it faded or broken? Telling their stories or passing the light along. Like Grandpa to son to grandson. . . .the thread of love, the meaning. All the barns are choosing life. I so like that. Like they are toasting life just by standing there, no matter how crippled they are. . . evidence that light and love are stronger than any war/wind. I so like proudly wearing. . . ivy. They all stand there, reminding us. We hold tightly to our lineage. . .they haven't torn down the barns. Memories live in our hearts. . . and we do pass them on. Nice work. Title ties it together.

I played with switching lines 1 and 2. I don't know. Also, on a couple of the to-be verbs, I think you can just comma instead.

Pat

Posts : 538
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

the three barns

Post  dennis20 on Thu Dec 06, 2012 6:51 pm

Todd,  I love Pat's eye for detail and how she gives so many hints and prods.  It looks like three generations of barns and the third still has live that could stand more expanding.  For that matter, the others could be seen with trees or grass or weeds or bushes overgrowing them.  But my thought is that the third one needs a word or picture or something more since it is still alive.  The first, ( and by the way I would omit the word "barn" in line #3 because you have stated barns in the first line ) has the word "skeleton" which is a complete picture--story in itself. For the second, you chose "notarized"  and showed us the fine faded photo of an ad on the side of a pale red barn--that's what I see.  I love it when you let me possess and imagine what I have experienced in my life.  But, there is no word for the third barn. If you don't want to draw this poem out and leave it this vague, (I often like to do this because it lets the reader supply his/her own self in my poem and makes it their own,) find that word for the third barn and leave it there.  I could be satisfied with that.  Dennis

dennis20
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: This is too fresh but I want it to sing. Would it be too long to add more detail to image three?

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum