PAINT THE WIND (still roughing it out)

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PAINT THE WIND (still roughing it out)

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Dec 01, 2012 12:40 pm

It seems I'm bringing in the "I" of this poem a little late.



PAINT THE WIND

Snowy plovers

tiny sparks

move as one

dip, flare

catch the air



sweep, turn

spread the day

across the bay

spiral to the sun

and back again



soft as dawn

beige, brown

silver-sided;

etch a fleeting shadow

beyond the evening sky



move without guide

and yet

perfect formation

synchronized

in joyous flight.



What spirit

draws the sweep

paints the wind

carries me

beyond my dreams?

-Dewell H. Byrd

Dewell H. Byrd

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Nice

Post  tsukany on Sat Dec 01, 2012 1:52 pm

Hey Dewell...I got caught off guard by the "Snowy" turning to a "spark." I didn't read the paint imagery until "etch" comes late in the poem. You might look for another verb early in the poem to add to the conceit.

What if you changed the rhetorical question at the end by inserting "That spirit" for the "What spirit."
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Sometimes life hands us suffering, but here. . . .

Post  Pat on Sun Dec 02, 2012 6:48 am

it hands us beauty: let there be plovers! : ) I wondered if dots would work as well as sparks.. . when I look at any bird up high and distant, I think I see shapes and dots. . . unless you are trying to give me new eyes. (which I often need!) I see and hear the music of what you saw. (We have geese here right now. . . . I love their honkings, changing of the guard, etc. ) What if you said, move as one, brushing the air. . .. where you have catch. Just a thought. I too need the paint reminders. Another closure option: . . . paints the wind/ a brush of mystery (or adventure or the holy or the surprising.) It does not bother me that you come at the end. . . . the harmony of what you see: lovely how you let us see how you are befriending what blesses you.

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paint the wind

Post  dennis20 on Wed Dec 05, 2012 10:37 pm

Dewell,  The imagery grabs me and I can see the turns and reflections as you speak.  Two thougths, I was afraid when you started you were going to force too much rhyme (flare, air  day, bay ) but you stopped in time.  Good.  Just enough and you didn't go overboard.  Then I think it would be better without the question at the end.  That would unhinge it from just being yours and your question to everyone feeling a part of the thought process without telling us what to think or wonder.  Good poem

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