The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.

    PAINT THE WIND (still roughing it out)

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 385
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 88
    Location : Central Point, OR

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    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Sat Dec 01, 2012 12:40 pm

    It seems I'm bringing in the "I" of this poem a little late.


    Snowy plovers

    tiny sparks

    move as one

    dip, flare

    catch the air

    sweep, turn

    spread the day

    across the bay

    spiral to the sun

    and back again

    soft as dawn

    beige, brown


    etch a fleeting shadow

    beyond the evening sky

    move without guide

    and yet

    perfect formation


    in joyous flight.

    What spirit

    draws the sweep

    paints the wind

    carries me

    beyond my dreams?

    -Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 641
    Join date : 2011-05-21

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    Post  tsukany on Sat Dec 01, 2012 1:52 pm

    Hey Dewell...I got caught off guard by the "Snowy" turning to a "spark." I didn't read the paint imagery until "etch" comes late in the poem. You might look for another verb early in the poem to add to the conceit.

    What if you changed the rhetorical question at the end by inserting "That spirit" for the "What spirit."

    Posts : 719
    Join date : 2011-09-12

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    Post  Pat on Sun Dec 02, 2012 6:48 am

    it hands us beauty: let there be plovers! : ) I wondered if dots would work as well as sparks.. . when I look at any bird up high and distant, I think I see shapes and dots. . . unless you are trying to give me new eyes. (which I often need!) I see and hear the music of what you saw. (We have geese here right now. . . . I love their honkings, changing of the guard, etc. ) What if you said, move as one, brushing the air. . .. where you have catch. Just a thought. I too need the paint reminders. Another closure option: . . . paints the wind/ a brush of mystery (or adventure or the holy or the surprising.) It does not bother me that you come at the end. . . . the harmony of what you see: lovely how you let us see how you are befriending what blesses you.

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    Post  dennis20 on Wed Dec 05, 2012 10:37 pm

    Dewell,  The imagery grabs me and I can see the turns and reflections as you speak.  Two thougths, I was afraid when you started you were going to force too much rhyme (flare, air  day, bay ) but you stopped in time.  Good.  Just enough and you didn't go overboard.  Then I think it would be better without the question at the end.  That would unhinge it from just being yours and your question to everyone feeling a part of the thought process without telling us what to think or wonder.  Good poem

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