The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    Chiropractor

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    Dennis20
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    Chiropractor

    Post  Dennis20 on Wed Dec 05, 2012 4:49 pm

     

    Chiropractor 

     

    His eye detects the lean

    and list of head and hips

    before he rips smudged paper

    from the couch where

    the previous patient has been.

     

    His is the concert pianist

    who approaches his passion;

    and as he addresses the body

    in front of him, 

    his fingers nimbly fly

    over the spine sensing

    only the sore spots.

     

    His warm-up exercise finds

    ivory and each note

    trembles and vibrates

    as ebb and flow turns

    to ooh and aah.   He nods in rhythm

    as he practices his craft.  

    Manipulation

    moves to bone crunching

    crescendo and a crooked spine

    is rightly aligned. A smile

    and he steps back from the music.

     

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Chiropractor poem (Dennis)

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Thu Dec 06, 2012 11:32 am

    You have a fine poem here, Dennis. I like the way it moves... ripping the paper off... fingers playing the tune of the body... You might delete "only" since the Doc plays the entire spine... and I wanted him to step back from the instrument, not the music... GOOD WORK, FRIEND. Dewell

    dennis20
    Guest

    Thanks for the ideas

    Post  dennis20 on Thu Dec 06, 2012 4:50 pm

    Thanks Dewell.  I forgot to ask for thoughts but you came through.  I had meant to leave "only" out but forgot to omit it on this draft.  I wanted the pic to be of the Doc as intense as the pianist. Mine usually is.   

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Chiropractor poem

    Post  Pat on Fri Dec 07, 2012 10:23 am

    Dennis, your chiropractor has learned how to play and listen. Mine too. : )

    Here's what I see: Nice alliteration in first 2 lines. A couch and not a cushiony table? 1st stanza: has been (to be verbs don't say much to me.)or has lain/rested?

    I wondered in 2nd stanza: His? His what? Why not say He? You have a semicolon, so do you really need and? I'd drop and only.

    Third stanza: consider: ivories (plural) (don't know if I'm spelling that right or not. .. . looks funny. : ) Maybe drop and then dash? Maybe add a bone-crunching crescendo, realigning a crooked spine. A little smile/ before he steps. . . .

    A fine poem here. . . . still, I'd tweek it a little. Perfect title.
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Great Fun

    Post  tsukany on Sat Dec 08, 2012 8:48 am

    Images are crystal clear. I did get a bit slowed down in stanza two but nothing major. I think this needs to be published soon. Send it out...send it out. Todd

    dennis20
    Guest

    How does this look?

    Post  dennis20 on Sat Dec 08, 2012 4:42 pm

    Chiropractor



    His eye detects the lean
    and list of head and hips
    before he rips smudged paper
    from the couch where
    the previous patient departed.

    Like the concert pianist
    who approaches his passion,
    he addresses the body
    in front of him,
    fingers nimbly fly
    over the spine sensing
    sore spots.

    Warm-up exercises find
    ivory and each note
    trembles and vibrates
    as ebb and flow turns
    to ooh and aah. He nods in rhythm
    as he practices his craft.

    Manipulation
    moves to bone crunching
    crescendo as a crooked spine
    is rightly aligned. A smile,
    and he steps back from the music.

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Chiropractor, the pianist

    Post  Pat on Sun Dec 09, 2012 8:57 am

    :cheers:Looks GREAT! It has a Kooser touch. . . . I like it! Pat

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