Did I overload the sounds in such a short poem?

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Did I overload the sounds in such a short poem?

Post  tsukany on Thu Dec 27, 2012 8:00 am

Home for the Holidays

The internet shows a map of your state,
streaked with four colors, noted in the key,

its legend. A winter stream bears my weight
in bending glass, stretching toward the icy

bottom where nothing moves, no leaves of Spring.
Seems more than colors separate us.

--Sukany 27 Dec 2012
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Not overloaded at all

Post  dennis20 on Thu Dec 27, 2012 8:20 pm

Todd,   I think the brevity is the best thing in this poem.  It leaves me to entwine my day or season or winter or state of mind into the poem.  If you were going to expand on anything it should be on the colors.  You mentioned four and then intimate that it is more than colors that separate you. That could open a door.  I think is good or at least for me it is, but then I like brevity. Dennis

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Sounds? They must be inferred. . . it's visual to me. . . .

Post  Pat on Fri Dec 28, 2012 2:18 pm

I'm looking. I'm reading. Sounds? No, if you want to put an icy sound in it, I'm good with that. You have feeling here, and I like that. Can you name that feeling? melancholy, forelorn? I think, but I'm not sure, that you are trapped in a frozen winter state and wish for (that might be too strong) the state of spring? If so, you might drop seems in the closing line. And I can read it on another level: you, in an icy place, someone else in a warmer place? Australia? I'd like to hear what your thinking was as you wrote this. It's okay to tell me I'm a lost duck. . . . I often paddle in circles. : ) Pat

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Todd... Colors, Sounds...

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Dec 28, 2012 4:47 pm

ITS LEGEND seems redundant... but then I often read things that aren't there anyway... I like the sounds and the winter colors that I bring to the poem... often there are winter sounds of ice on limbs, crunches, etc that I listened for in this poem... Yes, as Pat mentioned, I'd like to know more about the author's mood... I, too, like brevity. Dewell

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For Pat :) Let me know if this is too much compression. I did this rather quickly so please help me clarify what I still haven't made clear.

Post  tsukany on Fri Dec 28, 2012 11:09 pm

Home for the Holidays (I hope to setup warm feelings of holiday memories, of which I will ironically dispose. I will setup the long "o" sound and the "s" in this title.)

The internet shows a map of your state, (I want to play with dual meaning of "state." I introduce another person who is not in the same location as the persona. I attempt a Billy Collins technique of stating the entire poem in the title and first sentence. I am pressing the "s" sound into the ears of the listener.)
streaked with four colors, noted in the key, (These are the actual details of the map. State maps have "keys" to indicate the level of "travel safety" for major highways. I chose "streaked" because it is an unsettling word. I am continuing the "s" and repeating of the Home/shows your/four sounds.)

its legend. A winter stream bears my weight (I wanted to press the poem outside a bit to refer to an entire life in the word "legend." Again, "legend" is an attempt to grab more than one meaning from a word. A "stream" is a blockage or a pretty scene, the reader gets to chose (I press the irony button again). Since it is a "winter stream," I hope the reader will attempt to cross that stream on "thin icy," which I represent in the words "bears my weight." I want "weight" to have more than one meaning as well. "Weight" could sound like "wait" to one listening and not seeing the poem itself on the page. More "s" sound and returning to the vowel sound of "state" with the word "weight.")
in bending glass, stretching toward the icy (I state the comparison outright here in "bending glass." "Stretching" is seldom a good thing and I wanted to add to the overarching tone of melancholy. I chose enjambment here to force the CHUNK of "bottom." I continue the "s" and add "stream/icy.")

bottom where nothing moves, no leaves of Spring. (I attempt to return to the "traffic map" "where nothing moves" and hint at a cause for the poem's tone. "Spring" is a symbol for new beginnings (I hint at color here without adding more words). However, this poem is Winter so I should not expect any life-giving change as a reader. This is to revisit irony. I add the "b" to the sounds of "streams/icy/leaves" and the continued "s.")
Seems more than colors separate us. (Though not stated directly, the persona admits that the relationship is strained and the other party may have to stay "Home for the Holidays," completing the ironic trip of the poem. It is possible that the persona cannot travel to the other person and, thus, the persona will be the one "Home for the Holidays." I break the ten syllable count with this line since it should feel incomplete...as does the persona. Sounds repeated are the "s" and long "e.")

--Sukany 27 Dec 2012
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I now know to read your poems slowly,

Post  Pat on Sat Dec 29, 2012 12:02 pm

and I often read the poem 3 or 4 times. . . think on it, read it again, then respond. Todd, I rarely get all you are saying in one reading. : ) I did not know the word legend. I knew what the key was. I had to ask husband Jimmy. He knew the word. We do not have T V, so we check everything weatherwise via internet, so I am familiar with colors, stream, key, Spring. I like that you put the hope of Spring in the poem, just can't see it. I followed it fairly well, as it turned out. Dual meaning and all. The alliteration-- very nice. Strong verbs. And I heard loudly, "bears my weight" (your melancholy). . . . emotional touch which I LIKE. Bending glass: I read and reread that one. . . . I thought of sleet and frozen ice and difficult relationship. No leaves of Spring: I like knowing what is not there. Thank you. Can't happen yet. I think you accomplished what you set out to make happen. . . .and left it incomplete. . . weatherwise and relationship wise. Life is usually not tidy and wrapped with a bow. This is one of those times. Good work. Thanks for taking the time and energy to walk through it with me. Pat

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Pat...here's a link

Post  tsukany on Mon Dec 31, 2012 6:17 am

Pat,

Here's a link that a friend just sent me.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oread_%28poem%29

Todd
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Heavenly days!!!!

Post  Pat on Mon Dec 31, 2012 8:14 am

She wrote this poem almost 100 years ago. . . . impressive how she layered the two images. Oh, to think like that. Now and then, but an entire poem!? It's beautiful. I need to read more of H. D. Thanks for passing this on. Pat

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