The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    A Lemonade Day

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    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    A Lemonade Day

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Dec 28, 2012 4:23 pm

    This poem seems choppy... no flow... should I delete line three? All suggestions appreciated. Dewell

    A LEMONADE DAY



    Sitting on the porch swing

    sipping lemonade

    on a Sunday afternoon



    listening to the wind

    through the glass chimes

    play the same song

    for every season.



    The chimes speak of now

    as if yesterday and tomorrow

    are not memories and dreams.



    Your going left still water,

    an empty glass.



    My life, too, will soon be

    summed between two dates

    carved in marble.



    The colors of the sunset

    adhere to their own logic,

    silent as the heart of a rose,



    translucent as the reflections

    in my lemonade.

    Dewell H. Byrd

    dennis20
    Guest

    Maybe more than one day

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Dec 28, 2012 8:43 pm

    Dewell,  The afternoon is good.  Not so sure about Sunday since it doesn't carry any significant weight.  Any afternoon would do especially since you didn't mention Sunday again.  You could say "in the afternoons"  I see you there often since you refer to "seasons".  I see a lonely person, maybe without direction, or needing the "rock" that is now gone. I can taste the lemonade.  Good  visuals
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Here's my take

    Post  tsukany on Fri Dec 28, 2012 10:09 pm

    Dewell...It seems your title is an allusion to "If life gives you lemons...." I think you should cut most of the stanzas like the following:

    A LEMONADE DAY

    Sitting on the porch swing
    sipping lemonade
    on a Sunday afternoon

    listening to the wind, through
    the glass chimes, play the same song
    for every season.

    The chimes speak of now
    as if yesterday and tomorrow
    are not memories and dreams.

    My life, too, will soon be
    summed between two dates
    carved in marble.

    Hopefully, you can see more clearly where you want to take us and put back the goodies I took out in my ignorance.

    I really like the stanza about the glass. I think it is its own poem though. Todd

    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    And my reply:

    Post  Pat on Sat Dec 29, 2012 11:43 am

    I like chimes very much and they do play the same song every season, so it's important to have a chime you love. . . . mine, in the key of G. : ) And I like what Todd did with your poem. When I first read your 4th stanza, I totally misread it. . . . I thought someone was turning left, rather than right. Then I reread it. . . . stumbling for me on the 4th stanza. I don't think you need that stanza at all. Poem: Very visual and melodic. The last two stanzas, eliminated by Todd's rewrite, may be another poem. I like where he ended your poem. He kept it simple and one picture, letting the comparison be the poem, staying in a lemonade day (no sunset). Neat. Even with all the eliminations here, I think your title still fits. "the chimes. . . " my favorite line. Poetic sounds do come through chimes. . . . music. . . .like church bells in a distance calling a church to wedding, funeral, service. Now, you know I love chimes that have a lovely sound. Some clang, and they are not for me, but some. . . . . : )

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