A Lemonade Day

View previous topic View next topic Go down

A Lemonade Day

Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Dec 28, 2012 4:23 pm

This poem seems choppy... no flow... should I delete line three? All suggestions appreciated. Dewell

A LEMONADE DAY



Sitting on the porch swing

sipping lemonade

on a Sunday afternoon



listening to the wind

through the glass chimes

play the same song

for every season.



The chimes speak of now

as if yesterday and tomorrow

are not memories and dreams.



Your going left still water,

an empty glass.



My life, too, will soon be

summed between two dates

carved in marble.



The colors of the sunset

adhere to their own logic,

silent as the heart of a rose,



translucent as the reflections

in my lemonade.

Dewell H. Byrd

Dewell H. Byrd

Posts : 321
Join date : 2012-01-05
Age : 86
Location : Central Point, OR

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Maybe more than one day

Post  dennis20 on Fri Dec 28, 2012 8:43 pm

Dewell,  The afternoon is good.  Not so sure about Sunday since it doesn't carry any significant weight.  Any afternoon would do especially since you didn't mention Sunday again.  You could say "in the afternoons"  I see you there often since you refer to "seasons".  I see a lonely person, maybe without direction, or needing the "rock" that is now gone. I can taste the lemonade.  Good  visuals

dennis20
Guest


Back to top Go down

Here's my take

Post  tsukany on Fri Dec 28, 2012 10:09 pm

Dewell...It seems your title is an allusion to "If life gives you lemons...." I think you should cut most of the stanzas like the following:

A LEMONADE DAY

Sitting on the porch swing
sipping lemonade
on a Sunday afternoon

listening to the wind, through
the glass chimes, play the same song
for every season.

The chimes speak of now
as if yesterday and tomorrow
are not memories and dreams.

My life, too, will soon be
summed between two dates
carved in marble.

Hopefully, you can see more clearly where you want to take us and put back the goodies I took out in my ignorance.

I really like the stanza about the glass. I think it is its own poem though. Todd
avatar
tsukany

Posts : 532
Join date : 2011-05-21

View user profile

Back to top Go down

And my reply:

Post  Pat on Sat Dec 29, 2012 11:43 am

I like chimes very much and they do play the same song every season, so it's important to have a chime you love. . . . mine, in the key of G. : ) And I like what Todd did with your poem. When I first read your 4th stanza, I totally misread it. . . . I thought someone was turning left, rather than right. Then I reread it. . . . stumbling for me on the 4th stanza. I don't think you need that stanza at all. Poem: Very visual and melodic. The last two stanzas, eliminated by Todd's rewrite, may be another poem. I like where he ended your poem. He kept it simple and one picture, letting the comparison be the poem, staying in a lemonade day (no sunset). Neat. Even with all the eliminations here, I think your title still fits. "the chimes. . . " my favorite line. Poetic sounds do come through chimes. . . . music. . . .like church bells in a distance calling a church to wedding, funeral, service. Now, you know I love chimes that have a lovely sound. Some clang, and they are not for me, but some. . . . . : )

Pat

Posts : 564
Join date : 2011-09-12

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: A Lemonade Day

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum