I took another shot at it. . . .

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I took another shot at it. . . .

Post  Pat on Sat Dec 29, 2012 1:22 pm

trying to consider what I hear you telling me. Did I help it or hurt it? After this, I will let it rest and relook at it in a few days. But this is where I am right now. Thanks for looking at it again. Pat

Where Musicians Lead

One Sunday morning

three men pick and strum

curved guitars under glowing lights.

Another draws a bow

over submissive strings.

A fifth holds his harmonica to lips,

closes eyes and blows angelic sounds.

The woman at the piano reads no music,

but her fingers skip and play

grace notes.

All this harmony

invites a flock of believers along.

Musicians, like shepherds, lead;

worshippers follow,

inhaling and bursting forth

in a song of praise,

lifting words of old

to the newborn king.

Lights then burn low

and my eyes go to a cross

carefully highlighted

behind the manger scene.

Pat Durmon, 2012


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I like the newer version

Post  tsukany on Sun Dec 30, 2012 7:47 am

Pat...I really like the addition of "grace notes." That is what I would like to see happen all over.

I get tripped at the "harmony" line. It seems that you are telling not showing. What I mean is this information strays from the title: Musicians that lead. Just let the musicians lead all through the poem.

It seems that the last stanza doesn't trust the reader. I would try a version where every stanza shows the musicians leading.

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