The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    I took another shot at it. . . .

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    Pat

    Posts : 635
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    I took another shot at it. . . .

    Post  Pat on Sat Dec 29, 2012 1:22 pm

    trying to consider what I hear you telling me. Did I help it or hurt it? After this, I will let it rest and relook at it in a few days. But this is where I am right now. Thanks for looking at it again. Pat

    Where Musicians Lead


    One Sunday morning

    three men pick and strum

    curved guitars under glowing lights.

    Another draws a bow

    over submissive strings.

    A fifth holds his harmonica to lips,

    closes eyes and blows angelic sounds.

    The woman at the piano reads no music,

    but her fingers skip and play

    grace notes.



    All this harmony

    invites a flock of believers along.

    Musicians, like shepherds, lead;

    worshippers follow,

    inhaling and bursting forth

    in a song of praise,

    lifting words of old

    to the newborn king.



    Lights then burn low

    and my eyes go to a cross

    carefully highlighted

    behind the manger scene.



    Pat Durmon, 2012
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    tsukany

    Posts : 597
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    I like the newer version

    Post  tsukany on Sun Dec 30, 2012 7:47 am

    Pat...I really like the addition of "grace notes." That is what I would like to see happen all over.

    I get tripped at the "harmony" line. It seems that you are telling not showing. What I mean is this information strays from the title: Musicians that lead. Just let the musicians lead all through the poem.

    It seems that the last stanza doesn't trust the reader. I would try a version where every stanza shows the musicians leading.

      Current date/time is Fri Jul 20, 2018 2:01 am