The Last Friday

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    Is there enough to see both seasons?

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    Dennis20
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    Is there enough to see both seasons?

    Post  Dennis20 on Fri Feb 22, 2013 10:20 am

    Etch-A-Sketch


     


    In this late February cold


    infant chlorophyll peeks


    from under wet, brown leaves.


     


    An infant wind moans


    waiting to be born, to cry


    loud and long in March.


     


    A frosty song ebbs


    on the radio, droning


    whippets of cold


     


    in ear phones


    as walkers and joggers


    break out of doldrums.


     


    The sky is an ocean


    of clouds rumpled


    like hanging laundry


     


    with blue construction


    paper spaced behind


    in slivers of sunshine.


     


    Nature’s etch-a-sketch,


    all week, draw, add, erase,


    draw, add, erase, draw...
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    tsukany

    Posts : 600
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Seasons

    Post  tsukany on Fri Feb 22, 2013 3:06 pm

    Dennis...it seems that there is more to this poem than two seasons; therefore, I didn't look for them. I see the seasons in the green shoots and runners against a storm. I have other notes below in a less, spaced version. Smile

    Etch-A-Sketch

    In this late February cold
    infant chlorophyll peeks
    from under wet, brown leaves.

    An infant wind moans (I was distracted by the repeating of "infant")
    waiting to be born, to cry
    loud and long in March.

    A frosty song ebbs (I like "droning" here and another verb to replace it below)
    on the radio, droning
    whippets of cold

    in ear phones (not sure people are a part of seasons--radio image on down)
    as walkers and joggers
    breakout of doldrums. (I like "breakout" as one word)

    The sky is an ocean (This full sentence is my favorite image)
    of clouds rumpled
    like hanging laundry (I didn't get an image consistent with the title)

    with blue construction
    paper spaced behind
    in slivers of sunshine.

    Nature’s etch-a-sketch,
    all week, draw, add, erase, (Colon after "week"? I like "shaken" to reference the storm of the second stanza)
    draw, add, erase, draw...

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 360
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    Etch-A-Sketch... Dennis's poem

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Feb 22, 2013 6:08 pm

    I see the two seasons... one present and one emerging... Maybe leave out the people stanza and let the two seasons prevail. Infant/infant tripped me up. "Whippets,"... I love that word in this cold context... This etch-a-sketch is well done in the Feb...Mar struggle of nature. Good job. Keep honeing. Dewell

    dennis20
    Guest

    painting images

    Post  dennis20 on Fri Feb 22, 2013 7:26 pm

    I felt like I was overdoing it on "infant" but couldn't help myself.  I wish I could have come up with shaken for the etch-a-sketch.  I knew what you did with the thing but came up short on discription.  I was trying to emphasize the windy times with the laundry hanging.  I could have used billows and probably should have in that pic.  Thank you and Dewell for the input. 

    Pat

    Posts : 642
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Dennis' poem Etch-a-Sketch

    Post  Pat on Fri Mar 01, 2013 8:13 pm

    Yes, I can see seasons. Enough said about infant, but that is a great adjective meaning early. I can almost feel the cold as I read your poem: whippets of cold; frosty song; wind. Like Dewell, I really don't think you need the people stanza. I think it distracts from all the nature and coldness and Feb/March anyway. I struggle with the title: I think it's more about the Prelude or Foreshadowing to what's coming. I don't see an etch-a-sketch if we are talking about the toy children draw with, then erase in one fell-swoop. I feel dumb about asking this, but what if you did not keep the last stanza (which seems like a summation)? Then, I would be right there with you enjoying the ocean sky. "slivers of sunshine" . . . . good. Pat

    dennis20
    Guest

    Etch-a-sketch

    Post  dennis20 on Sat Mar 02, 2013 9:36 am

    Thanks Pat for the input.  I likened it to the etch-a-sketch because each day when I get up and look out there is something added to what was there yesterday. It seems as if it is erased (shaken as Todd pointed out) and a new image with added elements that appears miraculously with the dawn and it happens day after day.  BTW today it is spitting snow.  March? Makes you wonder.

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