The Last Friday

The Last Friday is a poetry editing group. Once a month, we post a poem and then offer feedback to the other poems on the Forum. We're a friendly but honest group. We value each other deeply and desire for every poet to be published or become famous.


    A Day To Count Gray Whales

    Share

    Dewell H. Byrd

    Posts : 363
    Join date : 2012-01-05
    Age : 87
    Location : Central Point, OR

    A Day To Count Gray Whales

    Post  Dewell H. Byrd on Fri Feb 22, 2013 5:56 pm

    This is a rewrite. I've taken out the puncuation, softened some images, and hopefully made it smoother... more pleasing to the reader. Is there some music to this piece? Dewell



    A Day To Count Gray Whales

    Bluff leans out

    windswept willows

    cling to the edge



    A dark carpet

    sponges under foot

    greens as spring beckons



    Clam Beach sprawls

    soft linen

    beyond the river



    Seastacks

    cormorants

    wind and water



    Crab boats bob

    gulls wheel in the wind

    children chase plovers
    avatar
    tsukany

    Posts : 605
    Join date : 2011-05-21

    Only one thing jumped out

    Post  tsukany on Fri Feb 22, 2013 6:57 pm

    Dewell...I like the images and the delivery. At times I wanted it to
    read smoother (articles and preps that were omitted). The place I
    stopped was the third line of stanza two. I might suggest: as spring
    beckons green. Did I miss a connection to whales in the body of the
    poem?

    A Day To Count Gray Whales

    Bluff leans out
    windswept willows
    cling to the edge

    A dark carpet
    sponges under foot
    greens as spring beckons

    Clam Beach sprawls
    soft linen
    beyond the river

    Seastacks
    cormorants
    wind and water

    Crab boats bob
    gulls wheel in the wind
    children chase plovers

    Dennis20
    Guest

    Gray whale watching

    Post  Dennis20 on Fri Feb 22, 2013 7:42 pm

    Dewell,  I had to read thru it a couple of times and I do miss the articles and preps that Todd mentioned.  I like brevity and don't tend to like prosey poetry but this is more like Haiku.  I am assuming that the title would have something to do with a certain time of the year in a particular area and guess all these things happening together would define that day. The more I read it, the clearer the pics become.   

    Pat

    Posts : 648
    Join date : 2011-09-12

    Dewell, the images here

    Post  Pat on Fri Mar 01, 2013 7:45 pm

    are great. 5 stanzas, each with one or more images. Form: short lines, skinny poem. Near or on the ocean. All, perhaps in one area. In Hawaii, they have whale counting days. I bet you know about such things since you've lived very near the Pacific. All the images fit an oceanic location, seems to me. I know about haystacks so I can image seastacks. : ) I like the word. What you see? and hear? I looked up your bird word: I have never seen a comorant. I imagine this poem is full of your world in Oregon or the one in Eureka, CA. Nice. I agree with Todd on spring beckons green. Fits better for me. Title tells me it is in or near an ocean, beyond the river. This is like the New Edge poetry. . .. I read it in Poetry and a couple of poets published by Copper Canyon write like this. . . this is more lean than I'm use to, but the more I read it, the better I like it. (like being at the beach!!!) It is soooo skinny that it's easy to reread!

    Pat

    Sponsored content

    Re: A Day To Count Gray Whales

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Tue Sep 25, 2018 2:24 am