I am being tenacious, I suppose. . . .oh well, here it is again:

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I am being tenacious, I suppose. . . .oh well, here it is again:

Post  Pat on Tue Mar 05, 2013 2:53 pm

Two Years After You

Committed Suicide



Your rooted family

came together and planted a river birch

down the lane by my mailbox shaped

like a monument. When the wind blows,

tentative branches tremble. On visiting,

siblings are greeted by a red bandanna

blazing like a red sun hanging on a bony arm

of a stripped tree. Memories then flood them.

None flinch, but none outrun the years.



Your rooted family

takes the time in the evening hours

to unreel the hippie days, to relive the effect

of your hearty laugh, how you’d drink sunlight,

and we smile at the way you could ripple

any conversation. And yet, we also recall

the long night of weeping

after you’d filled yourself with bullets—

first, from a medicine bottle

and then, from an innocent gun.



Your rooted family,

as you know, is no stranger to storms

or picking up broken limbs after weather passes,

but now some of us carry fear in our hearts

that a child’s child may one day

startle us once again

by crashing to the ground

and uprooting an entire tree,

by leaving us just as you did

shriveling everything.

Pat

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at the risk of cutting wonderful material--

Post  tsukany on Tue Mar 05, 2013 3:44 pm

Committed Suicide

Family came together,
planted a river birch
down the lane
like a monument.

Each day a red bandana
blazes on a bony arm.
None flinch, but
none outrun the years.

We’re no strangers to storms
or picking up broken limbs,
but now some of us fear
that a child’s child may

crash to the ground,
uproot an entire tree,
leaving us just as you did
shriveling.
avatar
tsukany

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Aaaaahhhh.

Post  Pat on Tue Mar 05, 2013 3:49 pm

You made it so simple.

I think I complicate stuff. Maybe because it's my material? my life? This was therapy for me. Thank you so much. I needed the nudging. And I appreciate the rewrite. Helpful. So helpful.

What else, guys? Pat

Pat

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back at you with a thought

Post  dennis20 on Tue Mar 05, 2013 6:46 pm

Pat,   I think Todd has a straight line from title through family, landmarks, emotions and ends with possibilities of a future child.  You said all that in your poem but you and I have the subconscience prodding from entering contests where it gives us line limits and we've heard people (judges) make comments like " I won't consider anything less than 30 or 35 or more lines in any 40 line contest I judge."  It looms in the back of our minds (I'm guilty here, too) causing us to add fluff in our writing.  Todd cuts through the fluff and leaves our poetry with the extra cut away.  I wish I could do that but I fail.  I' m hoping to get better at it by listening to Todd. Dewell is good at that too.  This is why these critiques are helpful to us.  Dennis

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Re: I am being tenacious, I suppose. . . .oh well, here it is again:

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